19 January 2008

I'm afraid girls will not want to be with me if I tell them I'm bisexual

In the past year I told my girlfriend of 7 years that I am bisexual. It has been hard on both of us. She thinks that I lied to her, and since then she has become increasingly verbally abusive, calling me me a fag. Basically, we have broken up despite the fact that I still love her… I’m finally at the point where I think I can date other women (and I have been dating guys as well), but I am afraid that girls will not want to be with me if I tell them that I’ m bi? Should I tell them I’m bi? And are girls generally unwilling to date bisexual men?

Dee Gamme

Hi David, and thanks for your question.

I’m sorry about the difficulties you’ve recently faced. Coming out to loved ones can be hard to do.

It is unfair of her to be name-calling. If she felt that you’d been lying to her all these years by not telling her sooner about your bisexuality, isn’t her reaction similar, if she has treated you like she never really loved you in the first place? Yes, accepting the truth might be hard for her, but how could she call you “fag” if she really loved you? That’s not only hurtful to hear from your girlfriend of 7 years, but also inaccurate. It may take time for her to truly understand, but at the moment, it is likely that she feels betrayed. Her verbal abuse might be her self-defense mechanism, because she’s hurt.

Why would she be hurt? Perhaps she feels that if you like men, she could never be enough for you, or that you would eventually leave her for a man, etc. When you came out to her, did you say that you wanted to date men, or were you simply telling her so she would know that you’re bisexual? If it was with the purpose of getting permission to sleep with or date men, it could be a blow to her ego, knowing that after 7 years, she still wasn’t really the only one for you.

No matter how painful breaking up with your long-term girlfriend is, ultimately it may have been a blessing in disguise. Now you are free to explore the side of your sexuality which has been hidden away for so long.

In terms of telling people you’re bisexual, you should definitely tell them BEFORE things get serious. If they can’t handle that one aspect of you, perhaps they are not “the one” for you after all. This way, you’ve been honest, and if they can’t like you for who you are, then, you can do better! Just make sure your partner(s) understand your situation, and if they can’t handle your bisexuality and your needs, you should find someone a bit more open-minded.

Girls are not more unlikely to date you than guys would be. Some girls even find it hot that their man likes other men ! Here are some parting words of encouragement. By telling a girl you’re bisexual, you may be surprised to find out that she is also bisexual! This could be great, as it allows you not to have to explain all your motives or defend your sexual orientation. Good luck, and remember to have fun! You should be accepted for who you are, and you should be happy with who you are as well…

Don’t hesitate to contact us again if you have any other questions,

Dee, for Alterheros.