4 November 2022

I'm wondering if I'm really a lesbian or if I'm bi. Do lesbians see that a guy is kinda hot, but don't really want to do anything about it?

Ok, so, I’ve been questioning my sexuality a lot these past few months. I’ve found out that I’m certainly attracted to women in a romantic way and in a sexual way. And, personally, being with a woman sounds a lot more loving and comfortable than with a man.

I thought I was attracted to guys, but I never really liked them romantically (not as much as women, and with a guy we really might have been just friends?) and that the thought of doing anything sexual with a guy grossed me out / made me very uncomfortable. For a while, I assumed I was asexual because of it. But when people pointed out if certain guys were hot, I could see where they were coming from, only I didn’t really want to do anything with it.

And when I was friends with guys, it was hard to tell if it was *just* friendship or a crush.

But part of me still wonders if I’m really a lesbian or if I’m bi. I’m way more sure of my attraction to women than to guys. Do lesbians see that a guy is kinda hot, but don’t really want to do anything about it?

Is it comphet?

PS : Thanks for answering, this website’s really helped me out a lot 🙂

Émilie Grandmont

Hi Gail!


Thanks for reaching out. 🙂

So it’s absolutely possible to consider that someone is beautiful, good looking or hot without being attracted to them. We can admire beauty in general without wanting more.


Now, for your questions about your orientation, here’s a previous answer from my colleague that might help:

So to figure your orientation here is some information that you might find useful. First, sexual orientation is made up of three components : attraction (the kind of person you want to be with, you like and fantasise about), behavior (the kind of people you actually have intimate relationships with) and self-identification (the words you decide to use based on the first two criterias and your own personal preferences). Those three components are not always linked : you can know you’re a lesbian without having had relationsships, or bisexual and only fantazing about women, for instance. Your sexual orientation can also be different from your romantic orientation.


Generally speaking, orientations have to do with the gender of the people that you’re attracted to, even if a lot of other factors besides gender can matter. If you’re mostly attracted by girls, you could say you’re lesbian or gay; if you’re mostly attracted by people of multiple different gender(s), you could be bisexual or pansexual; and by noone you could be asexual. Trans and non-binary people tend to be included in all orientations. If you refuse to limit yourself to those labels and want to empower yourself by changing the meaning of a word that was once an insult, you could go with queer. I like queer, because it’s open-ended and could mean many different things, and it’s also politically charged and comes with a set of revendications and a profound meaning.


So, because you know you’re predominantly attracted to women, you can identify as lesbian if it’s the term you’re more comfortable with. This determination is yours only to make! Just remember that it’s okay not to be sure. You don’t have to put a label on yourself if you don’t want to. Since sexual orientation can fluctuate over time, it’s also possible that you will one day realize that the term you identify with no longer really represents you, which is also really fine! Stay open to your questions and listen to yourself. 🙂


I hope my answer helps you. Feel free to contact us again if you need to!


Émilie (she/they), for AlterHéros