#sexual orientation
26 May 2023

What is my sexuality? I used to identity as lesbian, but then I second guessed myself and reidentified as bisexual, and now I’m questioning again...

What is my sexuality? I used to identity as lesbian, but then I second guessed myself and reidentified as bisexual, and now I’m questioning again. I had a crush (M) on this friend for about a month, and it was crazy, but as soon as I suspected he liked me back I didn’t like him anymore. In fact, I get really uncomfortable around him now. I don’t really get it. I used to really like him, and thought I wanted a relationship with him, but now I’m uncomfortable around him. It’s kinda made me uncomfortable around all men cause I’m scared they’ll like me. It’s made it hard to make friends with men if you have any advice on that too.

Anyway, I haven’t had a crush on any women as of yet though, so can I still be lesbian? Do I even like men? There’s this one girl who I know has a crush on me, so how come I can still talk to her without being uncomfortable? I think the reason I second guessed my sexuality being lesbian is because I didn’t want anyone’s opinion to change on me, and because what if I finally met the right man one day? There was this one time my friend asked me, “Are you gay?” around that time and my heart skipped a beat I didn’t know what to say. But now that I’m questioning again I don’t know anymore. I guess I can see myself with a man and a woman, but I don’t know anymore. Am I bi?

Émilie Grandmont

Hi j,


Thanks for reaching out and sorry for the delay.

Considering the fact that only you can name your sexual orientation, I can’t answer this question for you, but here’s some tips that might help. To begin with, self-identification with a certain sexual orientation can be based on a number of factors. As my colleague said in this previous answer:

So to figure your orientation here is some information that you might find useful. First, sexual orientation is made up of three components : attraction (the kind of person you want to be with, you like and fantasize about), behavior (the kind of people you actually have intimate relationships with) and self-identification (the words you decide to use based on the first two criterias and your own personal preferences). Those three components are not always linked : you can know you’re a lesbian without having had relationships, or bisexual and only fantasizing about women, for instance. Your sexual orientation can also be different from your romantic orientation.

Generally speaking, orientations have to do with the gender of the people that you’re attracted to, even if a lot of other factors besides gender can matter. If you’re mostly attracted by girls, you could say you’re lesbian or gay; if you’re mostly attracted by people of multiple different gender(s), you could be bisexual or pansexual; and by noone you could be asexual. Trans and non-binary people tend to be included in all orientations. If you refuse to limit yourself to those labels and want to empower yourself by changing the meaning of a word that was once an insult, you could go with queer. I like queer, because it’s open-ended and could mean many different things, and it’s also politically charged and comes with a set of revendications and a profound meaning.”

This also means that, even if you haven’t had a crush on any women, like you said, this doesn’t mean that you don’t know that you have the capacity to experience attraction towards women. So, you can absolutely identify as lesbian or bi even if you didn’t have a crush yet. The same goes for men, you may be feeling attraction towards some men, without necessarily wanting a relationship with them. If you base your sexual orientation on your attractions, you can take into account your attractions towards men, as much as your attractions towards women.

Also, feeling uncomfortable when you’re around someone who has a crush on you isn’t necessarily a sign of attraction or love. You might feel stressed, unsure or not ready to be in a relationship with this person, on simply realize that you don’t want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with them, which is really okay! It’s okay to doubt or to change your mind. You don’t have to do something that you don’t want even if you were sure that you wanted that a few months ago. Maybe you don’t feel uncomfortable around the girl who has a crush on you because you know that you don’t have a crush on her so you don’t feel the pressure of starting a relationship with her? Or maybe you just don’t feel the general pressure of heteronormativity in this case?

A little advice I have to make friends with men without being scared of them having feelings for you would be to set your boundaries and remind yourself that you’re allowed to say no and that you don’t owe them anything. It might be easier to say than to do, but communicating what you want and how you’re feeling will clarify the nature of your relationship. If you feel uncomfortable with someone, you can communicate it with them or you also have the right to take your distance.

Finally, even if you’re still questioning and you’re not sure about what you feel and what you want, you can identify yourself how you want, with what makes you more comfortable. You also don’t have to identify as anything if you don’t want to. Another thing to remember is that sexual orientation is fluid and can change over time. So you have the freedom to change the way you identify yourself a little later if you realize that the term you’re using is less fitting for you.


I hope this helps. Feel free to contact us again if you need!

Émilie (she/they), for AlterHéros