6 March 2008

I am a straight guy but I am bi-curious. Should I tell my guy friend I'm attracted to him?

Hi, I am a straight guy. I orient myself with being straight but I also am attracted to guys too. Anyway, I have a friend who I think may also be curious and I am very attracted to him. He makes jokes about oral sex with guys. A couple times he balled his fist and looked at me as if he was giving a blow-job. One time I offered to do it and he said “don’t play with me that might turn me on too much.” and so I jokingly moved towards him and he said:” whoa what are you doing?”. So I said I was just playing but when I was leaving he jokingly said: “maybe tomorrow”. Also, we watched porn together (no masturbation) and he made comments about the guy’s penis. And one time he had shorts on and I pulled them down jokingly and turned and walked away so he was naked and told me to turn around and I saw everything and he said “that’s what you wanted to see isn’t it, God!” He said it like he was embarassd and joking. We only flirt when we are alone. How do I know if he discreetly wants to take it to the next step?

Dee Gamme

Hi Kevin,

Thanks for your question!

It sounds as though your friend enjoys the attention you give him, but it is difficult to determine if he is turned on by it, or if it simply acts as an ego-booster.

Perhaps you could directly ask your friend if he thinks he might be bi-curious. Sometimes flirting is just flirting, but maybe there COULD be something more there. You’ll never know until you ask.

Another take on the situation could be that your friend might sense that you have a crush on him, and purposely teases and flirts with you to egg you on. If you continue to watch porn together, maybe you could slip in a few ‘innocent’ questions, such as ‘do you think he’s hot?’ or ‘what do you think it’s like to do it with a guy?’…The questions are open-ended enough that your friend can answer without downright saying he is into men, or accusing you of the same. For example, he could respond positively by saying ‘he’s hot…but you know who else is?’, if he were bi-curious, or ‘no way, i’d never do it with a guy’ if he was completely straight. This way, you get some answers without directly asking him if he’s attracted to YOU in particular.

Depending on his responses, you can either draw back or continue with deeper questions.

As a failsafe, since you two seem to kid around quite a bit, if ever he acts suspicious of your intentions, you can shrug it off as if you are joking around. Not a completely honest approach, but a sufficient cover-up if you get yourself too deep into the conversation where it looks like you’ve scared your friend or made him feel uncomfortable.

On the other hand, if things go well, you might be able to then ask what he thinks about you, and if he would ever engage in more than just flirting with you. I wouldn’t suggest asking right away unless you see he is very obviously interested after you’ve asked your other, more subtle questions. Sometimes, a conversation such as this one needs time, in order to not bombard anybody with too much info at once.

Good luck, and feel free to write to us again if you have other questions!

Dee for Alterheros