#best friend
6 September 2022

I think I am romantically attracted to my best friend and I am sensually as well. I want to give her hugs and cuddle with her, but I am not turned on by the idea of having sex with a woman...

Growing up, I was always fascinated with sex. I wanted to be the girl that all the guys liked. I had my first kiss with a boy when I was 7 and always wanted a boyfriend. In high school and college I never dated anyone. I was interested in guys but never super interested. The last time I really liked a boy was when I was a freshman in high school. We were best friends and I was obsessed with him. I know that I am sexually attracted to guys. When I watch pornography, I either watch male masturbation videos or I wish that I was the woman in the scene. In fact, women moaning turns me off sometimes. However, I I feel as if I had crushes on girls in the past. It usually is people I’m good friends with and doesn’t come out of nowhere. My current best friend, we are super close. We will tell each other everything and talk all the time. We cuddle and people have thought we were dating. I think about her all the time and want to spend all of my time with her. However, there is also intense anxiety in the friendship. I feel as if I am dependent on her emotionally and based on friendship trauma from elementary, I fear she will end the friendship out of nowhere. I also am super jealous of her. She pulls more guys than I do and I am jealous of her that it is so easy for her to fall for men. I get anxious when she is dating someone. One, I am jealous that she is dating somebody and has had the ability to fall for a man. 2, I am worried that I will be replaced. I think I am romantically attracted to her and I am sensually as well. I want to give her hugs and cuddle with her but I am not turned on by the idea of having sex with a woman. I am turned on by the idea of sex with a man though. I haven’t had sex ever but I get turned on from making out with guys at bars. My anxiety gets really bad because I want to get married to a man but I worry that I am really a lesbian and that I’m in love with my best friend and that it will never happen for me. Please help.


Hi! Thanks for your question and your patience! I hear that the possible romantic feelings you think you might have for your best friend are distressing for several reasons.


I think there are two main things I want to answer. First, identities and attractions can be fluctuating, complicated and messy. Someone could spend most of their life thinking they’re attracted to one gender until they suddenly find themselves unexpectedly attracted to someone of another gender. Taste can change, and sometimes you discover that you like things that you didn’t before. Some people usually have a preference for a gender, but not an exclusive one, and exceptions happen. It’s possible to feel attracted to someone without necessarily wanting to act on that attraction. You’re allowed to have fantasies that you don’t necessarily want to make happen in real life.


Second, being attracted to girls, and being in a relationship with one, are good things, actually. It’s not something to be afraid of. Discovering an attraction to girls doesn’t reduce or remove your attraction to men, and doesn’t immediately make you a lesbian.  Generally speaking, I just want to say that same gender attraction and intimate relationships are great and fun and fulfilling. There’s nothing about a relationship with a man that you couldn’t get with a woman. It’s okay if it’s not for you, or if it can’t happen with your best friend specifically, I just wanted to make sure to mention that no one should be ashamed, angry or disappointed about liking the same gender. 


Now, spending a lot of time together, thinking about her, being jealous when she is with others, cuddling and touching are all signs that could point to a crush. Or to a close friendship between women. The two can be similar on a lot of points sometimes. If you want, maybe you can try to be certain you could try asking her. It could be an awkward or difficult conversation, but it wouldn’t be the end of your friendship, and could bring some clarity.


It’s also worth noting that you mention jealousy and possible dependency. Is there a chance your relationship could be unhealthy or toxic in some aspects? That could also be an important conversation to have, especially since this situation seems to bring you a lot of anxiety. 


I hope my point of view will be helpful, and that you will be able to figure what you want to do with your best friend.


Best of luck,


Maxim·e, intervention worker for AlterHeros

Iel/they/them, accords neutres