Hi ALDA!

Thanks for reaching out to AlterHéros! I’ll try my best to answer you with what I know.

Well first, I’m sorry you felt pressured into confessing your feelings to your crush. That’s very uncool. Was it your friends who pushed you to do that? I get how scared you must’ve felt. I’m pretty sure they didn’t respect your consent there, they didn’t listen to what you wanted, and they forced you to do something. That’s not okay. I hope it doesn’t happen too often? 

Now, let’s talk about the possibility your teacher may be interested in you. Well, it’s a good question. The way you describe it, he seems to look at you quite often. To be very honest with you, I’m not sure. I am not inside your teacher’s head and I don’t know what he is thinking. There could be many possibilities. 

How does it make you feel? You mention being curious. Are you happy to get the attention? Or do you feel worried or creeped out by it? Personally, I think it’s a little bit weird for an adult man to always be looking at a teenage girl. And it’s not because you’re not mature for your age, it’s the power imbalance between both of you. Let me explain.

To do so, I will reuse some words from previous questions we received (here and here for example, in French though).

There are times when we get very attached to a teacher, psychologist, coach or adult which we admire. These people in positions of authority can sometimes be there by your side to help you, listen to you and support you. It is then possible that you have developed a special attachment to your teacher, but some questions persist. Does a relationship with him really have a purpose? Is it possible that my admiration for this man is based solely on the fact that he is my teacher?

In psychology there’s something called transference, which means that there can be a form of attraction (platonic, sexual, romantic or otherwise) between two people, especially when one brings you comfort or teaches you things (like a professor or a psychologist). This is a completely normal reaction, but for which the question must be asked: is there a compelling reason to pursue a relationship there?

There are so many possible reasons that can make us feel attached to a teacher… Of course, we can find them hot and there is nothing wrong with that! But try to think about the different elements in the previous paragraph. Maybe some of it echoes, in part, your situation?

In Quebec [where we are, but I suspect in Australia as well!], intimate relationships between professors and students are illegal. These relationships can even be punishable by law for your teacher, even if he is no longer your teacher: as soon as he works in the same school where you study, the law is applicable. The law is there to protect minors from potential abuse by someone in a position of authority. Indeed, according to the Éducaloi website:

When a person is in a position of authority or trust over a minor adolescent, that adolescent’s consent to any sexual activity is never recognized by law. In this case, it is the sexual activity itself that is criminalized, whether the adolescent has consented to it or not.

But what do we mean by “position of authority”? In its original meaning, the notion of authority derives from the function that the person exercises in relation to the adolescent. However, the position of authority is not limited to this case. It extends to any relationship in which the person has some power over the adolescent.

Thus, being in a position of authority does not necessarily mean exercising a legal right over the adolescent. Rather, the notion of a position of authority refers to the power to command that the person can in fact acquire over the adolescent. A school teacher, for example, is usually in a position of authority over the adolescent, given their duties in relation to the teenager.

In this legal context, as long as you study in the same school as your teacher, any form of intimate relationship between him and you remains impossible.

So yeah, all this to say that I don’t know for sure what your teacher might be thinking or feeling. But I do know that it’s okay for you to admire, like, have feelings for, or be attracted to him. It’s a normal thing and happens to a lot of us at some point! But, it’s also important for you to have some information and tools in order to make safe and healthy decisions regarding those feelings. 

I really hope some of this might help you understand a little bit more of what could be going on. I guess it’s your turn to decide what you’ll do now. One thing’s for sure, we are here for you and you can always write us another email anytime you feel like talking about this situation (or ask questions about sexual health, diversity and relationships!).

Take care!

Maxime, peer support agent for AlterHéros

Iel/they/them, accords neutres