12 mai 2010

I'm not into stereotypical gay men - I want male energy, not female energy!

I am gay and out for over 6 years now. I have never had a relationship, but I crave the intimacy and companionship.
Gay men don’t interest me. I don’t, for the most part, find them attractive emotionally or sexually (as opposed to physically).
I do find the idea of straight men much more appealing. -NOT- because its wanting something I can’t have, but because I see them as «true men». I see gay men (myself included, and many see me as ‘butch’), as having emotional structures more similar to women and it is just more apparent in some (Think about stereotypes of gays and lesbians). So I find it difficult to be attracted to what I see as «female» energy. I want male energy. I also don’t have -any- desire for anal sex either way. I do like giving oral sex though, but never really had a ‘passionate’ sexual encounter. I feel very lost and different to most gay guys. It is distressing that I have little to no libido at my age, plus my disinterest in gay men. What can I do?

JP Duc

Thank you for your question, Craig,

It is difficult to determine everyone’s exact sexual interests, ie. desires, lust, fantasy, sexual wants/needs, emotional state. Human sexuality is something that is very complex, there are even therapists that are called Sexologists. They study human sexual behavior in University for 3 years and more to learn to become specialized therapists and councilors in the field of human sexuality. Many issues around sexuality have little to do with reproduction and much more to do with emotions and the psychology around the issues of sex.

On your question about gay men not being ‘real’ men; physically they are. It's important to remember that gay men can be different from each other, just like some heterosexuals act more masculine and some act more feminine, and some are very sexually active while others are less. Often the way gay men act is a regionalism and according to some studies is in direct relation with their level of acceptation in the countries where they live (laws/rights, tolerance, visibility). Although I can understand what you’re saying about certain gay men who you have had contact with, your generalization of all gay men could become an issue in your pursuit to find a stable partner.

The road for homosexuals has been long, in some places like Canada and the US we have found some stability in larger cities, but in many countries including Africa, it is very difficult for gays and lesbians to live free and complete lives. When gays have to hide or modify their behavior and lives every day, because of cultural, religious and legal reasons; that could be psychologically abusive…can affect their lives. This constant stress sometimes makes people behave in a way that could be called lots of different things, sometimes it leads to ghettoization. Perhaps you find homosexuals close to you acting in a certain extreme or exaggerated way because these people are trying to show they are homosexual, they want to identify with a group that too often is invisible. Some gays here in Montreal Canada behave in ways you described, they are expressive through hand gestures, using a higher tone of voice, using a certain form of language/expression and sometimes wearing make-up or wearing certain kinds of clothing/costumes. These are all parts of the different levels of expression and identity & identification that some homosexuals have. It's neither negative nor positive; it is simply a process, part of human expression, coming-out, self-identity and self-affirmation, a person can express them for a few weeks or an entire lifetime. I have noticed through all my volunteer work of the last 15 years with the gay community here in Montreal that many teens coming out in 2010 don't use this form of expression much anymore (being extremely effeminate or extremely masculine). It seems to be a phenomenon that existed mostly when there was more repression: people felt shut-out, not free, invisible, in danger, etc.

My belief is that many homosexuals in Canada are finding support and acceptance much more today than they did previously to the year 2000. Human rights and labor laws that recognize sexual orientation helped a lot, as did gay rights activists who where very visible. Their is much work left to do here in Canada, to give every young homosexual their right to a full place in society, but it is my experience that most young homosexuals today are simply quite average, just like their heterosexual counterparts, they act the same way as every other person their age and have the same needs and wants… All this being said, I do understand that South Africa is a better place for gay men than in North Africa. However strong cultural and societal biases remains, against homosexuals.

If I look particularly at what you’re saying, I could go a bit farther and say that you are looking at straight men because you have internalized the “normality” that heterosexuals enjoy. We call this Heteronormativity*, when you look at most heterosexual men from around the world, you see the privileges they have, the support, the admiration and the respect they get from their families and society. A heterosexual man usually finds work and a higher paying job than his female counterpart, he is respected in most societies over a woman. All this is very unfortunate and must be looked at carefully and corrected if we as humans want freedom and equality.

Your libido question could be inter-related to the emotional state you are feeling – about other gay men that are in your location. A desire for intimacy or sexual encounters or a relationship is very closely linked with your fantasies and desires. If you are not seeing or do not feel emotional and sexual attractiveness to the gay men in your area; then it is quite likely your desire for sex could be partially or even completely reduced. Sometimes it just takes meeting the right sort of guy that sparks your interest. You might be surprised how quickly your libido might reappear in such a case 😉

What I can say is make an effort to communicate and get to know people on a personal level, people on the surface are sometimes different from the people they actually are when you get to know them, so make connections with serious people and even if that person is not a sexual partner or boyfriend at least they will be a good friend, something important to have in life. Also try to keep an open mind about others around you, don't judge other homosexuals being a certain way, you may travel somewhere on vacation or for work/school and see that there are all kinds of gays in the world, who like different things and are unique individuals.

* Wikepedia: “It also holds that heterosexuality is the normal sexual orientation, and states that sexual and marital relations are fitting only between a man and a woman. Consequently, a «heteronormative» view is one that promotes alignment of biological sex, gender identity, and gender roles to what is now called «the gender binary.»[1]

Critics argue that heteronormativity stigmatizes and marginalizes perceived deviant forms of sexuality and gender, and makes self-expression more difficult when that expression does not conform to the norm.[1] This includes lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, intersex, transgender (LGBTQ) people, polygamists, and polyamorists.[2]”

JP from www.p10.qc.ca