Most the time, my husband and I cum at the same time and only takes a few minutes, why?


My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have sex about 3-4 a week on average. Sometimes more. But we won’t last long. If we try we can last a little longer. Most the time we cum at the same time and only takes a few minutes, why?

Melissa

Hi Melissa,

 

Thanks for reaching out. So you and your husband have sex 3-4 times a week, in which both of you often climax within a few minutes. You’re wondering why.

 

Well, see, sex can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few hours, however for most people it will last roughly somewhere between 2 to 15 minutes. That number varies depending on many factors such as whether foreplay is included, the types of intercourse, age, genitalia, personal preferences, etc. Some people enjoy, prefer or expect longer or shorter sex. Usually though, bodies can’t withstand hours and hours of stimulation.

 

In terms of frequency, the average for married couples is somewhere between once a month to once a week. Again, this can vary a lot, but it sounds like you’re on the upper end of that spectrum, which is great if that’s what you like!

 

Which brings me to my next very important point : are you having a good time? Do you feel uncomfortable, distressed, annoyed or disappointed regarding the length or frequency of sex in your relationship? Is this a topic you feel comfortable bringing up to your partner? How is communication between you two generally speaking?

 

It sounds like you would like sex to last a little bit longer, it is possible and healthy to try to last longer. You mention being able to from time to time, so maybe you already know and use some of the following tips, but just in case here are some ideas :

  • Don’t underestimate the value of foreplay : kissing, hugging and feeling each other can be very pleasurable, can last as long as you want and doesn’t automatically lead to climax.
  • The stimulation of the clitoris and the penis head are the most likely to lead to an orgasm, it can be combined or replaced with other things in order to last longer.
  • There’s more to sex than vaginal penetration, there are many possible combinations of genitals, lips and hands, as well as nipples, necks, hips, waists, butt cheeks and more. Exploring and discovering new things can be fun, even when you’ve been with your partner for a long time.
  • Similarly, even with vaginal intercourse there are many positions as well as places and contexts in which it can be done. Maybe at a different time of day or room of the house for instance. Disrupting the routine can give a major bonus.
  • There are exercises to notice and feel an orgasm build up and to be able to slow down or take breaks at the appropriate times in order to keep going, this can be somewhat intuitive but practise and conscious efforts makes it easier.
  • After orgasm comes a refractory period, a few minutes to a few hours where it’s harder to have an erection or ejaculate again, but, it doesn’t have to mean the end. It’s still possible to have sex, sensuality or intimacy in its various forms.
  • There are also specific techniques like edging and squeezing, you can find more information on this page : How Long Should Sex Really Last? 

 

You could also read How Often Do ‘Normal’ Couples Have Sex? from the website Healthline for more details.

 

Well, I’m not sure if I really answered the “why”, if you’d be more interested in the actual biological and neurological specifics you can definitely let me know! I hope I still  helped somewhat and gave you some actually useful bits of information.

 

Take care,

 

Maxime, peer support agent for AlterHeros

Iel/they/them, accords neutres


About Maxime-iel

Involved in 2SLGBTQIA+ community work for many years, Maxime keeps a special spot in their heart for queer youth. It's what made them start a bachelor's degree in sexology at UQAM. They're committed to improve inclusion and celebration of diversities, atypical trajectories and any and all who can't fit in a box. Recently they've gotten interested in mental health, self-care, the abolition of capitalism and getting some rest once in a while. Fervent rain enthusiast, their favorite colors are gray and rainbows.

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