28 January 2023

I'm not gay, but I have feelings for a person of the same gender as me. I've been inserting those feelings in my draydreams, does anyone understand what I'm going through?

Hello! This is going to be a lot. Okay, so I am not gay. But I’ve been staring at someone in my class a lot. That same person I have feelings for. This person is of the same sex as me. (When I say feelings I mean like not sexual but like I want to be with them) (I don’t know if that will make sense sorry). On top of that, I am a maladaptive daydreamer. A maladaptive daydreamer is someone who creates their own universes in their head and such. I am a Maladaptive daydreamer and have been inserting them into those daydreams. It’s nothing sexual but just adding them into it. I really don’t like doing this. I haven’t told anyone this. I haven’t told anyone else. It’s like I want to be around them all the time. I don’t know why but I might categorize it as a crush. I want to have a wife and kids and have a traditional marriage. I’ve been in distress about this for the last couple of months. Please. It’s tearing me apart from my identity. I know who I am but this is starting to attack who I am and I don’t like it. Does anyone understand what I’m going through?



Sorry to take a while to get back to you. Don’t worry, it makes a lot of sense to me! Basically, you’re thinking about someone a lot, they’re in your recurrent fantasies and you want to be with them. Both of you are boys, and while it’s not sexual, you’re worried this might correlate to some kind of attraction, or even mean that you’re not exclusively straight.
I think there’s two main thoughts I’d like to share with you. First, feelings are, generally speaking, pretty complex and nuanced. A crush can include things like thinking about the person a lot and wanting to be with them often, but often it’s also a little more than that. And at the other end, you can like someone platonically, just admire them, get along well and enjoy their presence a lot without it being a crush. The lines between a close/intimate friendship and something slightly romantic and/or sexual aren’t always super well defined to be honest. This relationship you’re describing could probably fall under one or the other. You do make an important point that physically and sexually, there’s absolutely nothing there, and that is worth considering in the overall balance of things.
Second, I wouldn’t be good at my job if I didn’t at least mention that being gay isn’t a bad thing. It’s pretty fun actually! I want to be clear : I’m not saying you are or even might be. I don’t particularly think what you’re describing is sexual or romantic attraction to men, which as you must know is what being gay is all about. But I do think internalizing that same-sex relationships are just as good and wholesome and fulfilling as the other kinds, and that perhaps the possibility of liking guys isn’t the end of the world, or even a massive change to your identity or personality, would be helpful. Once again, regardless of the situation at hand, and whether you’re straight or not, I think unlearning the internalized homophobia we all grow with is something that might make you feel much better in the long run.
I hope the distress you feel will come to pass, and that your sense of identity will strengthen. If anything I said wasn’t super clear, or if you need to talk more about this feel free to send another message.
Take care,

Maxim·e, intervention worker for AlterHéros
Iel/they/them, accords neutres