Hello there!

Thank you for reaching out and trusting Alterhéros with your questions. I’ll try my best to answer all of them! 

First, it seems you are wondering if there’s a term for someone who’s been assigned F at birth (AFAB), feels masculine and prefers he/him pronouns, but who has a more feminine gender presentation, and wants a feminine looking body. I hear that finding a term is very important for you and would make you feel better. I’m also noticing that you are perhaps describing some anxiety and confusion towards the label you wish to use to describe your gender. Is that correct?

Just remember that you are not alone with those questions and this confusion. As a genderfluid AFAB person myself that had dealt with doubts about finding a label that fit me, for many years. Just like you, I understand how difficult it can be to find a term to describe our gender, especially when our identity is outside of the binary. It’s also important to remember that each person has a different journey when it comes to their gender, and that a label can have different meaning for everyone. 

In a nutshell, your gender is made of your gender identity (how you define your gender in your head) and gender expression (how you manifest your gender identity physically, voluntarily through clothing, hairstyle, etc., or involuntarily with your voice, etc.).

The way you dress, the way you want to present yourself to others, the way you like your body, the pronoms/gendered terms you use could be a part of your gender identity, but it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a direct link. What I mean to say is that, in theory, people can mix and match their pronoms, preferred gendered terms, interests and outfits freely. For example,  a trans woman could wear masculine clothing, have a beard and liking it, and only use she pronouns. A non-binary person could love to dress femininely, use she/they and still be non-binary. An assigned M at birth (AMAB) genderfluid person could only wear dresses, love makeup, and still feel like they fluctuate between genders identities. As such, there isn’t necessarily a link between how you want to express yourself and what your gender identity is.

Ultimately, gender labels are just words that we use as tools to try to describe the complex human experience of gender. The labels that you assign yourself with today may not be, and certainly don’t have to be, the same labels you identify with forever, especially as you grow and change through various stages of your life  As you said in your message, there’s no obligation to label yourself in any specific way (or at all EVER even!). Although there’s nothing wrong with the search for the correct word, there’s also no right answer when it comes to gender, only what feels right for you at this moment.

Finding a label can be helpful in feeling more confident, more empowered into forming an identity. Some even feel relieved to hear that there’s a word to describe their specific experience, and that makes them feel less alone. For others, it can feel like they’re forcing themselves into a box. Which is why there are very general terms like “queer” which simply encompass not feeling like a man or woman. Does any of this feel relatable to you ?

Perhaps this list can help you in finding a term that speaks to you. How did it make you feel to go through these terms? Is there a word that you liked more? Some that you liked less? It’s totally fine if you feel a little bit of this, and a little bit of that. Again, there’s no right way to experience gender. 

The whole meaning of finding a label that works for you is that you get to choose what you pick and what doesn’t serve you. Falling under a certain label is a different mix and match of experiences for everyone, even if they all identify with the same label. It doesn’t make your experience any less valid, even if it’s not exactly the same as someone else who uses that same label! Your experience with your gender is yours, and yours alone, and no one – not me, not a Dr, not your family – can choose a label for you.

I invite you to try new things and see what makes you FEEL GOOD! It could be worthwhile to explore what you like in terms of gender expression. For example, you could  try new clothes, hair color and hairstyles, gender gear, etc, if that is something that would interest you. Would you enjoy the experience? Make sure to often tune in with what you’re feeling to understand what you like and dislike throughout this process.

You’ve also mentioned that you want a masc name because you seem to be sick and tired of your given name. Did I understand that correctly? If so, here’s a fun tool that you can use to give you inspiration for your name!

Some even like to choose a name based on their given name! For instance, it’s my case and I shorten the name my parents gave me at birth, to make it something I feel more comfortable with. 

I hope you’ll find a name to your liking, and it’s okay if you go through a couple names before finding the right one for you, at that moment. It’s okay if you change your mind, if one week you want to go by Eli and the next week by Alex, and the week after by Jamie. I invite you to try things out, perhaps even ask some friends you trust to call you by that name to see how it feels like (you can also just say it out loud, alone, in front of a mirror, if you dont feel comfortable asking them!)

If making these big changes in your life is not possible, for any reason, you could always play around in daydreaming/writing in a diary (If you could be like this for a day, how would your life be? How would you feel?) or by playing different characters in video games or RPG and see what comes out of it.

Anyway, I hope this answer has helped you in your thought process, and that you’ll find a label that works for you and your own experience with your gender. Here are some other similar questions that we answered in the past, in the chance that they are helpful to you: 

• Is there a label for if your gender is not in the binary but sometimes more masc leaning, sometimes more fem leaning?

• I am transmasculine very in touch with femininity and comfortable with she/her pronouns, i dont know what to think… 

• Im questioning my gender identity but its hard to explain even to myself… 

Secondly, you seem to be wondering about finding a label for your romantic and sexual attraction. In your message, you mention finding women and non-binary (enby) people generally more attractive, but also being attracted to men occasionally. You seem to feel some confusion toward the term to use to describe your romantic and sexual attraction, while knowing that you are not straight. Is that right? I also hear that finding a label to describe your sexual and romantic attraction is very important to you, and I hope my answer will help you in your thought process.

First of all, I want to tell you that being uncertain about your sexuality is not a bad thing at all! It’s MORE than okay! What I mean to say is that being attracted to more than one gender doesn’t mean you’re confused, but finding a label can be! I do want to applaud you for knowing yourself and being able to articulate that you are attracted to multiple genders. Finding a label for your sexual and romantic attraction can be just as difficult as finding a label to describe your gender. Likewise, it’s more than okay to try out labels, switch them around, feel a little this and a little that. There’s no right answer!

Sexual and romantic attraction are two whole spectrums, that includes sexual and physical attraction, romantic and emotional attraction, behaviors, actions, thoughts, and much more (intellectual attraction, aesthetic attraction,  etc.). It’s even possible to be romantically attracted by a specific type of person – for example women and non-binary  – and sexually attracted by other types of people – for example men. 

In other words, you could feel very attracted emotionally to women, but still want to have intercourse with men, enby and women, while only dating and being intimate with women. Someone in this situation could define themself as bisexual (attraction to more than one gender), pansexual (attraction to all gender), demisexual (having sexual attraction to someone only after having created a strong emotional bound), omnisexual (attraction to all gender or any gender with a preference), lesbian (being a woman/enby who’s attracted to other women/enby people) or  none of the above, and all of these orientation would be a valid answer. Truly, it depends on the individual and the label the person feels comfortable using to describe their sexuality.

In fact, sexuality and romantic orientation are very fluid – our preferences, needs, desires – can variy with context, experiences and with the people that we meet. Even if all of that can fluctuate with years and experiences, that doesn’t necessarily mean one can just decide consciously to change their feelings towards certain people of certain genders. 

In a similar way to labels for gender, finding a label for sexuality can be helpful for some, and unhelpful for others. On one hand, a label can bring a feeling of empowerment and relief to some, but on the other hand, that same label can also feel restrictive for others. I feel like, for you, finding a label that fit you might fall into the first option, which might be why you want to find the «right» word for your experience. Did I understand that correctly?

Here’s a list that can help you see clearer. Is there one that resonates more with you? Do you related to any? It’s totally okay if you choose a label today, and want to change it tomorrow. There’s no rule or anything – the important thing is that you feel happy with the term you chose to use for yourself. Last, but not least, just like your gender, you are under no obligation to have a label! 

On another hand, you mentionned the term Bisexual (being attracted to more than one gender) and Berri (mainly being attracted to women/feminine aligned genders & androgynous/nonbinary aligned genders, with very rare attraction to men/masculine aligned gender). Is that the ones you are leading more toward currently? 

If that is a term you like to describe your experiences, I think you should take it out for a spin and see how you feel about it! Although, if another term feels better, feel free to experiment with it! The whole thing about questioning your sexuality is being allowed to be curious, to change your mind or to explore in ways that you feel comfortable with! 

For instance, a way to explore your sexual and romantic attraction could be by using the label when you come out to people you trust. It could also be in trying out different scenarios in your head (imagining yourself kissing a girl, a boy or a enby person and note how you feel) or read some cool LGBTQIA+ books, and see if you relate.

My advice for you is to embrace all parts of yourself, even if there’s no specific label on everything that you are. Don’t hide that part of you from yourself, because it’s still important, even if you don’t have the name for it! It’s ok to not have the answer, there’s no rush and no one expects you to know everything yet. Finding a label you like can take time, introspection, honesty with yourself, and, for some like me, a lot of back and forth between different labels.

Finally, the last part of your question focuses on coming out to friends and family. You said that you shared your questioning about gender and sexual/romantic attraction to two friends, but that the rest of your friends don’t know anything. Is that correct?

You also named that you don’t know how to address the situation with the rest of the people you are close with. Did I understand that correctly? I didn’t have a lot of details about this part of your question, but I will still try my best to answer you, with the best of my capabilities! 

I felt like you are anxious about sharing your questioning, but that you seem to want to come out and talk about your questioning regarding your gender and orientation, to more friends. It also seemed like coming out and sharing with friends could be helpful in finding out the “right” label for yourself. Is that correct?

First of all, kudos to you for accepting yourself and coming out to two of your friends (and to us, at Alterheros!). Coming out and accepting yourself are not easy things to do and you should be proud of yourself! I hope your friends were able to be there for you and support you through your questioning (if that was what you needed!), and that the rest of your friend group will react positively.

In regards to coming out, even if it might seem like a rite of passage, you are under no obligation to come out, ever! Some queer individuals might feel like coming out is unnecessary since cisgender and heterosexual people don’t have to come out. Others might find pride and liberation in telling others about their identity. Some even wait until they are adults and living on their own before coming out, especially to their family, for all sorts of reasons (not feeling safe at home, wanting to have the freedom to explore their sexuality in their adult life, or simply just because!) All of these options are completely valid, and in the end, coming out is a personal choice. What do you think? Where would you position yourself?

If you are not ready, if you don’t feel comfortable or safe sharing, there’s no obligation to come out. You are allowed to take your time, to only share to some people and not others. Not everyone in your life is entitled to this information about yourself, especially if you feel like they might not accept you. Like I said, there’s no pressure or timeline to come out. You are also allowed to change your mind about the labels you put on yourself, and do multiple coming out through your life, even if the labels change often! 

A very important reminder is that, even if you don’t talk to your friends about your sexuality or your gender, it doesn’t make you any less valid! Being out is not an obligatory step in your journey – even if some people will let you believe so. Yet again, the important thing is that you do what feels right for you! 

Here’s a online guide you can go over to explore what coming out means to you and to guide you through this process, and similar questions we answered in the past that can maybe be of help!

If you feel the need to talk about your identity and your questioning, I encourage you to find someone you trust – a friend, a family member, a teacher even!– to share about what’s going on in your life. It can also be easier to feel understood if that person is LGBTQIA+. Regardless, I invite you to see if your school has a LGBTQIA+ after school club you could join. It could be nice for you to meet more people who are living similar situations and have similar questions as yours. Finally, the Trevor Projet is an organization that you can reach out to, by phone, text or chat, if you feel down and feel the need to talk.

I hope my answer was thorough enough, and that it helped you shine some light on your questions.

Thank you again for contacting Alterheros and trusting us, 

Don’t hesitate to reach out again if you have any more questions or concerns,

Take care and good luck !

Sam (they/she), summer intervention worker at Alterhéros