English is my second language as well, I also apologize if I make any mistakes. Thanks for writing to us!
You definitely be non-binary and/or have a gender expression that fluctuates between male and female presentations. Exploring your gender and trying new things can be challenging when you have anxiety, but it sounds like you’re doing pretty great.
I totally agree that the societal views of men and women, and the strong association of characteristics with genders assigned at birth are stereotypical and restrictive. You don’t have to live your entire life according to these rules, I think it’s great that you plan to let go of them, that sounds really freeing.
Medical transition, that is surgeries and hormones, are options available to trans and non-binary people who wish to modify their bodies. You’re right to explore what’s possible and how it could work.
Overall, you’re feeling a bit weird and are having a hard time putting it into words exactly. I think maybe you could be feeling many things at once. It could be a mix of gender dysphoria, this discomfort with parts of your body or how you are perceived, of feeling alone, especially if you don’t know a lot of people who went through similar things. Sometimes, when we start asking ourselves questions and exploring our genders and it doesn’t fit exactly the narrative we grew up with and stories we hear, we can feel like we’re the first who have ever felt that way, like we’re weird and different. But that usually gets better with time and experience. I think you’re also discovering and learning a lot lately, all those new beginnings can be exciting and fun, but also slightly strange when they start to mix and interact with other less than happy feelings.
Maybe you’re feeling something else too! Feel free to share if you think of other things.
I Hope this time of reflection allows you to also be your very own authentic and wonderful self!