I’m questionning my gender identity, but it’s hard to explain, even to myself…


Good afternoon,

 

English is my second language, I’m sorry in advance if mistakes are made or if its a bit muddled.

 

I’m questoning my gender identity.

 

I am assigned female at birth and my behaviour and clothing is party female and male. I sometimes feel like a female, other times I think I feel like a non binary person (this is new to me, I didnt realise I could be non binary). The male part of me is mostly shown by my clothing, talking and behaving. I feel less strong like a male than I do like a female/non binary person. Maybe I just have male traits and society makes me feel like a woman cant have these traits.

 

My clothing is mostly female since I am a bit uncomfortable with mens clothing in public, my social anxiety makes it worse. The past year I’ve been wearing more wide and larger fitting clothes because they are very comfortable and I feel good in them.

 

I dont like societies view on how men and women should behave according to their gender assigned at birth. Im planning to let these ‘rules’ rest beside me and just be who I want to be, wether that is with female or male traits. I am Julia.

 

Now on to the body experience. I dislike my female body very much. I dont like the shapes, they make me feel nauseous and sad. I am planning to do surgery to remove my breasts. I am not comfortable with my genitals either but I’d rather have female than male genitals.

 

I feel a bit weird about it because its hard to explain, even to myself. I cant put my finger on what I feel exactly. I was wondering if someone on this site has an idea of what I might be experiencing.

 

Thank you for reading and I hope you have a lovely day and dont forget to be your most authentic, beautiful self. 🙂

 

Julia

Hi Julia!

 

English is my second language as well, I also apologize if I make any mistakes. Thanks for writing to us! 

 

You definitely be non-binary and/or have a gender expression that fluctuates between male and female presentations. Exploring your gender and trying new things can be challenging when you have anxiety, but it sounds like you’re doing pretty great.

 

I totally agree that the societal views of men and women, and the strong association of characteristics with genders assigned at birth are stereotypical and restrictive. You don’t have to live your entire life according to these rules, I think it’s great that you plan to let go of them, that sounds really freeing.

 

Medical transition, that is surgeries and hormones, are options available to trans and non-binary people who wish to modify their bodies. You’re right to explore what’s possible and how it could work.

 

Overall, you’re feeling a bit weird and are having a hard time putting it into words exactly. I think maybe you could be feeling many things at once. It could be a mix of gender dysphoria, this discomfort with parts of your body or how you are perceived, of feeling alone, especially if you don’t know a lot of people who went through similar things. Sometimes, when we start asking ourselves questions and exploring our genders and it doesn’t fit exactly the narrative we grew up with and stories we hear, we can feel like we’re the first who have ever felt that way, like we’re weird and different. But that usually gets better with time and experience. I think you’re also discovering and learning a lot lately, all those new beginnings can be exciting and fun, but also slightly strange when they start to mix and interact with other less than happy feelings. 

 

Maybe you’re feeling something else too! Feel free to share if you think of other things. 

 

I Hope this time of reflection allows you to also be your very own authentic and wonderful self!


About Maxim-e

Involved in 2SLGBTQIA+ community work for many years, Maxim·e keeps a soft spot in their heart for queer youth. It's what made them start a bachelor's degree in sexology at UQAM. They're committed to improve inclusion and celebration of diversities, atypical trajectories and any and all who can't fit in a box. Recently they've gotten interested in mental health, self-care, the abolition of capitalism and getting some rest once in a while. Fervent rain enthusiast, their favorite colors are gray and rainbows.