4 September 2005

Am I bisexual?

Okay, so first of all, I’m going to be honest, the name I submitted isn’t my real name. This isn’t a subject I’m comfortable discussing, I live in southern Arkansas and questions of this nature are not generally smiled upon, if you know what I mean.
I’m a 17 year-old male seeking advice regarding whether or not I’m bisexual. I’m sure you get a lot of these, so if you don’t feel like dealing with another “Help! I’m confused!”, stop reading now. Also, be forewarned this letter is very explicit at points. I’ll be as honest as I can.
Like I said, I am a seventeen year old male living in Arkansas. Publicly, I am straight, completely straight. I have a very attractive girlfriend at the moment, and whether we are or not, we believe we are in love. It’s not the first time, and I’m sure I won’t be the last, but I digress.
Beginning with my trivial qualities, I am very very effeminate. I’ve never had a girlfriend who’s been more into personal care than myself, and I’m the kind of guy who has Cameron Macintosh’s Les Miserables memorized, hahaha…
But these are all stereotypes and serve little to help me discern my sexuality.
I have quite a few homosexual friends. Not to be conceited, but I am generally considered an attractive person, by both males and females. And I get hit on a lot by homosexuals. I find it really flattering and take it as a compliment. It doesn’t bother me at all. I am not one of those people who holds the belief that homosexuality can be equated with a propensity for serial rape, and there’s a very good reason I get passes from homosexual men. For lack of a better term, I set off “gaydar”. Almost everyone I know thinks I’m either gay or bisexual, even my girlfriend.
In more personal terms, let me begin by saying that I love pornography and masturbate at least once a day, I’m not ashamed of that. I am a very sexually adventurous person, and have done some fairly wild things with my partners, and the pornography I enjoy is not an exception.
I can, and have gotten off to almost every form of pornography in existence. I’m not going to lie, I’m a freak. Lesbian porn used to turn me on, but after a while I found it boring.
My favorite type of pornography used to be mmf porn. That is, two men and one woman. I also like transexual-woman, transexual-man, man-woman… and man-man porn. I can masturbate and get off to a picture of a naked man, but the same is true for women.
The idea of anal sex arouses me, and I often masturbate anally. I cannot remember the last time I had a sexual dream that didn’t involve another man.
It’s very strange, because I don’t view men as sexual entities. I have never had a crush on a member of the same sex. I have never had a sexual thought about any member of the same sex I have come in contact with that wasn’t prompted through intense sexual contact. As a child, I enjoyed looking at women in bikinis and never even thought about a man as a sexual being. I have never seen a man outside of pornography and thought he was attractive. That’s not to say I can’t judge a man’s physical attractiveness, even the straightest men can do that, by “attractive” I mean sexually arousing based solely on appearance.
I know I could never have a romantic relationship with another man, date another man, or even feel romantic love for another man.
But I have had sexual relations with another man… multiple sexual relations with another man. This includes passive, active, (sorry to have to use those terms!) and oral relations. However, I never ejaculated (although I probably could have), I had trouble maintaining an erection, and I found myself trying to imagine he was a woman.
But I did it again, nonetheless. I told my homosexual friends what I had done, and they were, in general disgusted, because the man I had relations with is not considered to be extremely desirable. Most of them commented that they themselves would have been unable to have relations with him.
I have made out with members of the same sex, usually I am intoxicated, but not always, and it’s always passionate, and I almost always become aroused.
But I most definitely prefer women. Always, even when I am aroused by another man, I want a woman.
And when I view homosexual porn, which oftentimes can become quite frequent, I am not as able to picture myself in a fantasy as I am with heterosexual porn, most of the time, I can’t at all. But at the same time, I have gotten off to homo-erotic sex stories.
A few months ago, I was sure I was bisexual. Not long after, I decided I was mistaken and was sure I was heterosexual. Now I’m not sure. I stopped looking at homosexual porn, not out of shame or disenchantment, but as a matter of personal preference. I have been into lesbian porn again for a while, but now I’m into male homosexual porn again, as well. This morning, I viewed male homosexual porn twice and even had a homosexual fantasy, but this evening all I wanted to look at was lesbian porn.
But this is always true:
I could never think of a heterosexual man I knew sexually. I have never thought about male actors, musicians, or furthermore any pop idol as someone I would even want to hold hands with. Women are SO much hotter. My favorite thing to do is to give a woman oral stimulation. I have never had a Platonic friendship with a girl that didn’t eventually become sexual or romantic, and I have never had anything but Platonic thoughts about my male friends.
Imagining myself in a sexual relationship with even my most desireable male friend causes me to grimace.
Honestly, the prospect of having sex with another man again is attractive, but I’m wondering if perhaps that this is one of those things one fantasizes about from time to time but shouldn’t really practice. I would not even be emailing you, I would be sure I was bisexual, except for one thing: When I was with another man, it felt wrong. I did it again, anyway, though, and my feelings might have been a product of my southern baptist upbringing (I’m agnostic), but I felt like I had made a mistake when I touched his penis.
So what’s the concensus? Am I bisexual? I know bisexuality doesn’t necessarily mean equal attraction to both sexes, so I’m confused. For reference, my Kinsey scale rating is between 1 and 2.
Thank you for your time, I know my querie was a little long-winded and somewhat explicit. I appreciate any help or guidance you can give me.

JP Duc

Hi, thanks for writing us.

We deal with the fact that youth are confused about their sexual orientation all the time, yes we feel sometimes the question I’m confused, am I straight am I bi or am I gay. It is the largest concern we hear from youth visiting our website. Even if the question is repetitive, each person lives through their sexual development differently and at a different pace. So the question is always pertinent.

Here in Quebec, Canada, certain Universities have world wide recognition and are leaders in the field for teaching a course called sexology, it is a scientific, social, psychological and research program which teaches all of the aspects behind human sexuality. Like our brains, human sexuality is one of the more complicated functions of human beings. It’s not just about copulating and reproduction, like animal do, it is a lot more complex than that.

You bring up a good point concerning where you are located geographically, it is much more difficult to be accepting of ones personal sexuality, and to try different things when you are physically located in a country where homosexuality is not accepted or even illegal.

You are right about stereotypes, being very effeminate or masculine has absolutely nothing to do with your sexual orientation, acting these ways may however make other people around you assume things about you that are incorrect. Often homosexuals living in difficult situations will force themselves to act very masculine so that people perceived they are heterosexual, often teens do this at school, like being the football jock or the hockey MVP. These youths are terrified of being identified for what ever reason; friends, social status, religious beliefs, legal issues. It can be said that many men that live in large cities are becoming more effeminate because they take care of themselves; the heterosexual world has even given it a name “metrosexual”. A word anyone before 1990 would have never heard of.

I find it really great when heterosexual men and woman are not bothered being hit on by someone of the same gender. These heterosexuals are so comfortable in their skin that they have dropped prejudices about sexual orientation. Many of my heterosexual friends like playing the gaydar game just to get hit on, they will not hesitate at going out to gay clubs, or wearing their tight white t-shirt just to get a reaction, theirs a certain sense of power you feel when the other person is trying to hit on you.

In detailing your sexual fantasies, and they are detailed…. enough to make your teachers and parents blush, you do show openness to sexuality and experimentation. One thing I have clarified many times in the questions and answers section is that sex (intercourse), fantasies, and attractiveness/arousal are 3 completely different aspects of sexuality. You could enjoy masturbating to pictures of men, but would never sleep with or have a relationships with a man. Contrary to the publics belief a lot of completely heterosexual single or involved men have had same sex fantasies. Some men do enjoy giving anal sex to their female partner and/or enjoys finger games. You mentioned the Kinsey scale : it is a good explanation of levels of orientation, these levels can change during the course of a lifetime you may be right in the balance of change since your preference seems to be variable from day to day, you will have a clearer picture of your sexual preferences with time. You don’t need to rush it.

One thing that is important you should have a fulfilling and safe sexual life, if that means sleeping with man but not being in a love relationship with him than that’s fine as long as you are honest with your sexual partner or partners. If you are in a closed committed relationship with someone whether they be female or male you must be truthful towards them and respect their wishes in the relationship. Don’t forget to protect yourself and your partner, and try to always wear a condom.

AlterHeros Team