So is it normal to reject your sexuality? How do I become more comfortable with it?


I have questioned my sexuality basically my entire life. I have always felt more attracted to women than men. But always dated men because it was considered “normal”. My first kiss ever, was with a girl. My first sexual experience was with a girl. My best friend in middle school and I messed around a lot and spent just about every day with her. But when she finally wrote me a letter telling me how she felt towards me and that she wanted to be more than just my friend, It pissed me off. I was really mean to her and just stopped being friends with her altogether. For years, off and on I messed around with another one of my friends but convinced myself that we were just having fun. And Everytime she tried to make it more official, It would irritate me. Both of us, were off and on in relationships with men.

Anytime I’ve been in a relationship with a guy, I’ve always struggled with letting go of the “gay thoughts”. I’d always choose spending time around females than I would my boyfriend/partner. I’ve always been more comfortable around females than men. Everytime I was in a straight relationship with a guy, I always felt like I couldn’t fully be myself.

It wasn’t until I finally decided to stop being in a straight relationship and started seeing a female. She was/is so pretty and funny and that was the first time in my entire life where I felt genuinely happy and completely myself.

Being in straight relationships with men, It was very rare that I ever made the first move but being with her was completely different. I wanted to kiss her, hold her hand, literally just be next to her.

But the thought of coming all the out was literally terrifying. I don’t know why. I wanted to commit and ask her to be my girlfriend soo bad but I did the exact opposite. All the thoughts like, what Is my life going to look like being in a relationship with a female, what if this is just a phase for her, how are both of our kids gonna react, there was so many questions that spiked my anxiety to the point that I just ghosted her and went back to seeing men and made excuses and was kinda mean to her. I’ve always been more okay with public relationships with men but I struggled with them privately, being with a female is opposite.

So is it normal to reject your sexuality? How do I become more comfortable with it?

K.O.

Hello,

 

Thank you so much for reaching out and trusting us! I feel like you were very honest and real about your lifelong struggles, and that takes a lot of guts. Especially to a complete stranger.  I definitely think you came to the right place. 🙂 Like a lot of people I know, it took me a while to be comfortable with who I am and who I love, but working on myself and thinking about the negative false ideas I still held has made me a much stronger and happier person. It’d be a pleasure to share some of the tips I learned along the way. 🙂

 

So I get the impression that more than once you pushed people that you cared for a lot because the implications of a more serious romantic relationship were too much to handle. We all deal with stress and adversity in our own way, perhaps ending those relationships was easier than the alternative in your case. And sometimes we feel so much anxiety and fear of the unknown that we make decisions we end up regretting later. Whatever the case might be, it’s true that we can’t change the past, but we can let it inform our present and future. If you find yourself in a similar situation again, having seen and felt the loss and grief for these women, do you think you would make a different choice?

 

To answer your question, there’s not a magic recipe to wake up one day and feel fully comfortable with your sexuality. It’s a gradual process, with many small steps and some setbacks, but it is something that can be achieved. Wanting things to change is a good place to start. If having a serious official romantic relationship with another woman is too much pressure at the moment, maybe you can start with something smaller : meeting and talking to lesbian, bisexual and queer woman for instance. Without necessarily the expectation of something more happening, seeing people going through and having been through similar struggles can be a great relief. Another good first step is to consume media featuring diverse people and experiences. The new Fear Street movies have a lesbian protagonist, and without spoilers, her and her girlfriend have a happy ending. Even just witnessing fictional characters prosper and make a life for themselves can be powerful. Another step is to think seriously about any stereotypes or negative ideas you might still be having about women who love women. Even very open-minded people aren’t perfect paragons of inclusivity. It’s hard to be at least a little bit influenced by the society in which we live, and lesbophobia is still a very active issue nowadays. Learning about the struggles, history and culture and the LGBTQ+ community is also a pretty good way to realise you’re not alone and that tons of folks have been loving the same gender across time and culture. Getting informed, finding credible factual information can help with that, listening to people’s voice and lived experiences as well. I warmly recommand the “Am I a Lesbian Masterdoc” for this purpose, it’s a great read.

 

It’s a few places to start I can think of, there are more of course, but I really believe a willingness to learn and grow is already a great beginning.

 

The question of coming out also seems to be worrying you a lot. It’s true that you can’t always plan for people’s reactions, and that sometimes talking about your sexual orientation can be a difficult experience. But don’t you think that possible risk is worth your own happiness with a person you love? You also don’t have to do a full formal coming out to everyone you know. Sometimes you can just show up with your partner without explaining yourself. The people who will judge you most likely wouldn’t care for one either way. If you don’t feel like you have the time, energy or desire to mention to someone that you like women that’s okay, it doesn’t have to be an obligation. Also, I think you’d be surprised how open-minded and cool children can be, sometimes a lot more than some adults.

 

I’d really like for you to try to cultivate a feeling of hope, that things can and likely will be okay in the end, even with all the hardships and mistakes along the road.

 

Hopefully my answer can be of some solace for now. Our team is here if at any point you need to vent, talk about your feelings or find some answers. 

 

Wishing you all the best under the hot summer sun,

 

Maxime, peer support agent for AlterHeros

Iel/they/them, accords neutres


About Maxim-e

Involved in 2SLGBTQIA+ community work for many years, Maxim·e keeps a soft spot in their heart for queer youth. It's what made them start a bachelor's degree in sexology at UQAM. They're committed to improve inclusion and celebration of diversities, atypical trajectories and any and all who can't fit in a box. Recently they've gotten interested in mental health, self-care, the abolition of capitalism and getting some rest once in a while. Fervent rain enthusiast, their favorite colors are gray and rainbows.