Testimony – The Peep Show


I had always seen those flashing lights for the Peep Show downtown but never really ventured in.  Not knowing what it was, I couldn’t develop the courage to walk in.  But one night, that all changed.

I was never able to accept my sexuality.  All through high school, life was tough.  Even after I moved to Montreal to go to university, things didn’t get better.  I thought being away from home would help but it didn’t.  I continued to live the double life – pretending to be the jock on campus.  Partying in the dorms, getting wasted with my buds at the Peel Pub, fooling around with chicks just for the sake of not being figured out.  I couldn’t just jump on the Metro and head to ‘the Village.’   What would happen if someone saw me?  What would I find?

After the usual Saturday night of partying and drinking with friends at a straight bar I found myself walking home, alone.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw those blue and red lights flashing, calling out my name, inviting me to come in.  I guess it must’ve been the alcohol, but somehow I found myself climbing those stairs heading into the unknown.  Once at the top, I found rows and rows of cubicles.  Cubicles showcasing pornos.  Not what I expected, afterall, if you read ‘Peep Show,’ you expect naked girls.  But it was weird, there were at least three guys, walking around or just standing watching people walk in… and watching ME.  I asked myself, what are they looking at?  What did they want?  One older creepy looking guy, even walked by and brushed up against me.  Geez.  All of a sudden, I saw a guy and girl walk in and head straight for a cubicle together and shut the door.  Were they having sex?

I found myself for some reason intrigued by it all, and then I saw him.  A guy, a little older than me, quite cute, standing outside a cubicle in a corner just staring and smiling.  He motioned towards me and then headed inside the cubicle.  I made sure no one was looking and then somehow headed to the corner.  I found the guy inside the cubicle waiting for me and the next thing I knew, I was inside and the door shut behind me.

I’ve been returning to that peep show quite often.  I feel as though I’m addicted to it and the free sex.  I can’t stand it.  I even noticed that inside one of the cubicles was written in marker the phrase ‘I hate what this place has done to me.’  I feel that way.  I really hate what the place has done to me.  I just hope that soon enough I will gain the courage to come out, to find someone to love, and give up that dreadful peep show.

I guess this is a start.


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6 thoughts on “Testimony – The Peep Show

  • James

    Stephen, this really is a strange coincidence… if you would like to write to me, click on my alias ‘James’ and you’ll get my address.

  • Stephen H

    James – what a freakish coincidence!!! Who knew that I might actually get the opportunity to talk to the guy who inspired me to even consider writing the story in the first place. Your message on the cubicle wall actaully got me thinking and to stop and realize -what the heck am I doing? Unfortunately I still return to that God awful place once in a while…but I would like to stop. But what about you? Do you still go there? Have you gotten out of that ‘rut’? It’d be nice to hear from you.

  • James

    Stephen, I read the french version of this testimony first, and so I posted a comment there. I’m the guy who wrote how “i hate what this place has done to me”…i’m not sure why i’m writting this, but i guess i feel like it’s too weird a coincidence. I found this website by doing a google search to see if anyone feels the way I do… and the one website i find, the guy mentions the only thing i’ve ever written on a wall. thanks for your testimony…

  • Abe

    Once you’re ready, you really have got to talk to someone you trust about whats going on in your life… I know it sounds cliché, but it’s really true!

  • Flexan Mars G. Biteng

    Although a lot of people finds affection in sex, i must say they are not the same thing. Sex and love/affection are like day and night. As you have said; “I guess this is a start”, i hope you were reffering to the fact that you have noticed the wrong doing you have done to your body and not the pleasure derived from those cheap and sometimes unsafe sex. Ther’s a lot of organisations that you can go to, both publicly and privatly e.g. Project10, (www.p10.qc.ca) or Jeuness Lambda (www.algi.qc.ca/asso/jlambda.html). And if you want something much more public (maybe when your ready) you can visit your campus queer association ( e.g. queer mcgill, if your in Mc Gill).
    In any of thees organisations, you can always ask for discressions and i am perfectly sure that they can insure you that. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF