20 September 2008

Is beauty important to get involved in a serious relationship?

Hello, I’m a gay guy from Tunisia who wants to have a serious boyfriend. Some people have said that I am cute, but others doubt it. I’m confused: Am I ugly or am I beautiful? Every time I’m going to meet a guy I get so worried and nervous. I imagine that he’s rejecting me because of my image. When I see cute guys I envy them. Sometimes I feel ok and beautiful but most of time I don’t. Is beauty so important to get a boyfriend? And how could I fight my doubts? Please help me – I’m about to lose my mind!

Lorin Young

Hi Atef – thank you for your interesting question. I’ll start out by saying that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. I know that may sound trite, but it is true. One person may find you attractive, while the next person may not. Some days you may find yourself quite handsome and other days you look in the mirror and sigh. But you need to ask yourself – do I think that beauty is so important to finding a “serious boyfriend” and, if so, what kind of beauty do I really want in a “serious relationship”? The physical kind of beauty, or the internal kind of beauty, which will remain despite the years and the wrinkles and the sagging, that some people may find less attractive ? Internal beauty may be composed of compassion, kindness, love, openness, and any number of other qualities that you find important. If you find someone who only wants to date you because you look cute but they don’t care about you on the inside, will this fulfill you?

In order to “fight your doubts”, perhaps try focusing on some of the other things you like about yourself – whether it be sports, reading, playing music, whatever! What is it that you are good at that you are proud of? By focusing on the things that make you happy and trying to improve on these parts, you may find one day that you will have decreased your doubts and that your beauty will be measured by much more than what your face and your body look like.

I do not know much about Tunisia, but I would have to wonder if it is a country that is very accepting of homosexuality? Perhaps this is, in part, why you are having trouble finding a boyfriend and why you feel rejected. Of course, I am only speculating, but are there other issues at hand, beyond the physical image, which may make it difficult for you to engage in a relationship? If people are anxious about being in a homosexual relationship, they may come across as rejecting you, when in fact they could be confused about what they really want.

Obviously, we live in a world that puts a lot of weight on physical appearance and, when dating, this can seem very important. But I really suggest that you question what it is that you want out of a relationship with a man and what you find important in those that you enjoy spending time with. This will help you to figure out what it is that you want from and for a “serious relationship”.

Best of luck.


-Lorin for Alterheros