Did I have a crush on this boy or not?

I have had one crush on a real boy but he triggered my trauma and I don’t know if I actually had a crush on him. Also I want to be a lesbian but I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush on a girl


Dear Anonymous,


Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns about your feelings towards this boy and the impact it has had on your trauma. It can be challenging to navigate our emotions, especially when they intersect with past traumatic experiences. Let’s explore your situation and try to gain some clarity.

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge that feelings and attractions can be complex, and it’s not always easy to determine if they are genuine or influenced by other factors. Given that this particular crush triggered your trauma, it is understandable that you may question the authenticity of your feelings towards this individual.

When trauma is involved, it can create a heightened emotional response, leading to confusion and mixed emotions. The triggering event might have stirred up feelings and memories associated with your trauma, making it challenging to discern whether your attraction to this boy was genuine or if it was linked to unresolved issues related to your trauma.

To gain a better understanding of your feelings, consider the following suggestions:

  • Self-reflection: Take some time to reflect on your emotions and experiences related to this crush. Explore your thoughts and feelings in a safe and non-judgmental space. Consider whether your attraction to this person was based on genuine interest, shared values, or compatibility, or if it was influenced by your trauma.
  • Seek support: Talk to a trusted adult, such as a counselor, therapist, or mentor, who can help you explore and process your emotions. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate the complexities of your feelings and help you understand the connection between your trauma and your crush.
  • Trust your instincts: Trusting your instincts and listening to your inner voice can be valuable when it comes to understanding your emotions. Pay attention to how you feel when you interact with this person and whether you feel comfortable and safe.
  • Patience and time: It’s important to give yourself time and space to process your emotions and gain clarity. Understanding your feelings may take time, and it’s okay to be unsure or have mixed emotions initially.

Remember, the most important aspect of any relationship, whether romantic or otherwise, is that it promotes your well-being and makes you feel safe and supported. If a person or situation triggers your trauma, it is crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and seek support from trusted individuals who can guide you through the healing process.

If you find that your feelings continue to be confusing or overwhelming, reaching out to a mental health professional, such as a therapist or psychologist, can provide specialized support and guidance tailored to your specific needs.


As for the second part of your question: 

It’s important to remember that sexual orientation can be a complex and evolving aspect of our identities, and everyone’s experiences are unique. Let’s explore your situation and provide some guidance.

Discovering and understanding your sexual orientation is a personal journey that can take time and self-exploration. It’s not uncommon to question or have uncertainty about your attractions, especially at your age. It’s also important to note that sexual orientation is not solely determined by having had a crush or romantic feelings for someone of the same gender.

It is possible to identify as a lesbian or have an attraction to the same gender without having experienced a specific crush on a girl. Crushes are just one way of understanding and exploring our feelings, but they are not the sole determinant of our sexual orientation. Some individuals may not develop romantic feelings or crushes until later in life, while others may experience attractions that are not limited to specific individuals.

Exploring your sexual orientation involves self-reflection and self-discovery. Here are a few suggestions that may help:

Give yourself time: Sexual orientation can evolve and become clearer over time. Be patient and allow yourself the space to explore and understand your feelings without putting pressure on yourself to fit into a specific category.

Pay attention to your feelings: Take note of your emotional and physical attractions. Consider if you have had any feelings of attraction or interest towards girls, even if they haven’t been labeled as “crushes.” Reflect on your thoughts, fantasies, and preferences.

Connect with the LGBTQ+ community: Engage with LGBTQ+ communities, either online or in-person, to learn from others’ experiences. Listening to different stories and perspectives can help you feel more connected and find support during your exploration.

Seek guidance: If you feel comfortable doing so, consider talking to a trusted adult, such as a counselor or therapist, who can provide support and guidance throughout your journey of self-discovery.

There is no rush to label or define your sexual orientation. It’s okay to have questions and uncertainties. Embrace your own unique process of self-discovery, and trust that over time, you will gain a better understanding of your attractions and sexual orientation.


Take care of yourself, and remember that you deserve understanding, patience, and support as you navigate your emotions and healing journey.

Warm regards,