19 January 2011

I'm afraid my boyfriend will act out his fantasies!

Hi. I have been in a relationship with my BF for 2 yrs and in the last year have discovered his desire for tr*nnies. (women with penises) He’s been watching tr*nny porn for 8 yrs. and also watches hetero porn, and bdsm porn. (we also have BDSM scenes where I’m the Domme and usually have a strap-on on; which I of course love) I for some reason am uncomfortable with his tr*nny desires. I think I feel threatened by them and fear I will lose him to a tranny if he acted on his urges/fantasies (which I believe he wants to) We have discussed this and he claims to desire the taboo and doesn’t need to act on it. I want to know if I should just let him find a tr*nny to put his fantasies to reality or just leave it behind a screen? I fear that he will want to act on it eventually anyway but if he does I will want to leave. He also claims he is not bi, but would like a 3some w another guy where he would be “forced” by me to suck the guy off. That sounds bi. Does it mean he is?What’s your advice?

Kelley R

Hi Ann,
Thank you for coming to AlterHeros with your question.
From your statement above, you explain that you have recently found out about your boyfriend’s sexual fantasies and desires to watch trans pornography. You are frightened that your boyfriend will act on his sexual fantasies. Additionally, you are questioning whether or not your boyfriend is bisexual because of his desires to have a sexual encounter with you and another man.It is understandable that the idea of your boyfriend fantasizing about others is troubling for you. In answering your question, there are two main ideas that I will attempt to guide you through. I’ll first explore your concerns over your boyfriend’s sexual fantasies and then discuss ideas related to sexual orientation. Be mindful that there are many different factors influencing sexuality, as issues surrounding sexual practices, desires and orientations can vary drastically from one person to the next.

Fantasies can be a way to enhance a sexual experience by imagining an erotic and pleasurable idea. For some people, fantasies exist only in an imaginary state and not in a real life setting. Your boyfriend could possibly be aroused by the images he sees in the various pornographic images he views. You have mentioned that he also watches different genres of porn, including heterosexual and BDSM categories. Trans porn may happen to be another genre that gets him aroused, but that doesn’t always mean he wishes to partake in a sexual encounter with a trans woman.

By the way, the word “tr*nny” is generally seen as very disrespectful towards trans women. I suggest that you use the words “trans woman” instead.

While your boyfriend has said he did not want to act on these fantasies, you can approach him to discuss this again. He may be reluctant to admit any thing about his fantasies, so aim to be non-confrontational and explain that it is something you would like to know more about. If he blows it off and says it is nothing, then it may very well be nothing to be overly concerned about. One of the important things to keep in mind is to have an open dialogue between both partners in a healthy relationship.

Your boyfriend has also indicated that he is interested in having sexual relations with you and another man. In this situation, you would be “forcing” him to perform oral sex on the male partner. This scenario has you wondering about your boyfriends orientation, mainly if he is bisexual.

An individual who identifies as bisexual is typically attracted to both their own gender and another gender. Sexual orientation is a tricky subject because individuals can have varying ideas about what their orientation means. For instance, some people who identify as heterosexual have had sexual encounters or relationships with someone of the same gender. The same goes for homosexual people as well. Furthermore, individuals may not subscribe to the labelling of their orientation or may consider themselves as pansexual (being attracted to people, with little to no concern over their partner’s gender).

From reading about your comment that you sometimes enact scenes where you are dominant over your boyfriend, the idea that he wants to be “forced” to do something sexually may stem from the excitement of being dominated. The very idea of being made to perform something sexual and erotic by you may be the focus of his desires, not necessarily the attraction to another male.

It would be beneficial to discuss your boyfriend’s feelings about this scenario if it continues to be a plaguing issue for you. If you are not comfortable with the idea of bringing in another partner into your sexual relationship then talk it over with your boyfriend to see if there are other scenarios that would elicit similar arousal.

Should your boyfriend reveal that he is bisexual, it is important to remember that bisexual people are perfectly capable of having a monogamous relationship. It is a widespread myth that bisexuals are promiscuous and want to have a relationship with a man and woman at the same time. Therefore, do not think that he is no longer attracted to you or wants to have another partner if he is bisexual.

I hope I was able to clear up some of your concerns and provide you with options to pursue with your boyfriend. Should you have more questions in the future, don’t hesitate to visit AlterHeros again.

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