16 October 2008

I think there is something wrong with my libido

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months now, and I do everything but sex with him, like I hardly ever feel horny and I don’t know why. I really want to have sex with him and have done it before with him. I just want to know why I won’t do it every night, and I never do anything to him, he always gives me all the pleasure and I want to give him pleasure but I don’t know what’s up, so please help me!!

Dee Gamme

Hi Rosey and thanks for contacting AlterHeros.
It is common to have moments where we aren’t in the mood for sex. Or only in the mood for certain things, but not everything. Also, it isn’t necessarily a normal thing to want to do it every single night. Every person is different in their tolerance and their desire. If you don’t feel like having sex every night, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You say you do ‘everything else’ with your boyfriend, but are these things that you like doing? Are you only doing them to please your boyfriend because you don’t want to have sex with penetration? If you truly enjoy doing whatever it is you do, then maybe try focusing on that. Explain to your boyfriend that these things really turn you on more than what some people call ‘actual sex’. Some people get off on playtime, petting or foreplay, others prefer to cut to the chase.

It doesn’t sound like you aren’t attracted to your boyfriend, since you genuinely WANT to have sex with him. It might just be that your head, heart and body are running at a different pace. Hormones are funny things….they can affect our moods without us realizing it. If you are on birth control pills or any other sort of medication, it is possible your hormones or libido may be acting out of synch. Your mind might want to have sex with your boyfriend even if your body isn’t willing.

If this sounds like a possibility and you ARE on prescription medication, you can talk to your doctor about the effects it may be having on your sex life. If you are not on any medications, food and lifestyle can affect libido as well. Make sure you are eating a well-balanced diet and getting some exercise (other than sex!), as well as enough sleep. If your body is tired or lacking vital nutrients, your sex drive might be affected too!

As for not knowing what you can do to please your partner when he seems to be doing all the work…there are many things to do! The most straight-forward approach is simply to ask him what he likes. If you would rather try things out or surprise him, there are so many fun things to stimulate him! You can try different positions where you are in control of the motion, or you can tease him with your tongue….run it along his skin…finding sensitive areas.

Some people enjoy being nibbled…such as behind the ear, on the neck, nipples, belly, thighs. You can also incorporate toys or other objects, such as feathers, scarves, anything that tickles or feels nice against the skin. There are also sex toys such as vibrators, which can be fun for both partners, not just the woman. You can trickle sweet sticky substances on his body and eat it off…try chocolate sauce, whipped cream, edible massage oils, etc.

Use your imagination! The best part about sex is having fun and trying new things. Good luck, and don’t hesitate to contact us again if you have more questions!
Dee, for Alterheros.