5 October 2008

I think my fiance is bisexual because he has no more sexual desire for me

My fiance and I are about to have our first child, and it seems lately he’s had no sexual desire for me. Before I became pregnant we had a lot of sex, and he enjoyed being anally stimulated by me. My question is: why is it that before I didn’t really feel my man was bisexual but now I’m having doubts. The only thing that would make me wonder is the fact that he took nude pictures when he was younger for an openly gay man. He also allowed this man to take him to FL to strip for extra cash on a few occasions. He vehemently denies any “homo” behavior with ANY man and becomes very angry if I question him. Is it possible that he found out on his own that he liked anal sex or is it more likely that this happened after an experience with a man he then knew? I don’t know what it is but my intuition tells me he’s keeping something from me. I just don’t know if it’s the fact that he’s bisexual or even gay and just scared to “come out”. I looked at the previously asked questions and didn’t find anything similar to my situation. Please help!

Équipe -Pose ta question!-

Hi Kayla,

First, I would like to thank you for trusting us and writing to us.

I am sure there are others who find themselves in similar situations and and are filled with ambivalence and doubt. I understand that you feel confused and worried at the moment.

You are feeling like your man has no sexual desire for you right now. There could be many explanations for this. For example, your fiance could be stressed out by the upcoming birth of his first child, and often stress will impact siginificantly on one’s libido. Also, he could harbor fears of hurting the baby or yourself through sexual nintercourse: not everyone knows that,- except in very rare cases where the placenta is located too close to the opening of the cervix- it si not dangerous to have sexual intercourse with a pregnant person, even near-term. He also could have other stressors, financial, familial, or psychological, related or not related to your pregnancy. For example, some people can see having a baby as a significant change in their lives –and indeed this event is life-changing- and synonymous with a deeper level of commitment, which paradoxically can decrease their desire. Indeed, playfulness is an important element of sex, and if this is lost because of the coming delivery, your own stress or his own state of mind, it is very difficult to be sexually aroused.

Another option is of course that your fiance is indeed bisexual or gay and has chosen this critical time period to explore his sexual orientation. Although there are other alternatives to explain his behavior, this option remains possible. However, your fiance does not seem to have displayed any kind of “bisexual or gay behavior” for several years and does not seem to discuss this issue with you. This could mean that the likelihood of him being bisexual is very low or that he has been hiding things from you for several years. You are in the best position to elucidate how likely this is, although sometimes people find it hard to hide something so critical from their partner. I wonder if there are other “cues” you have not mentioned? I do have to mention that to enjoy and look for anal stimulation does not in any way mean you are gay or bisexual… although it does not preclude it also.

I understand your fiancée defines him self as straight. I also want to add that sexuality can be fluid and that means that it can change over time, e.g. you say he was photographed nude when he was younger by an openly gay man and that by itself can’t prove anything in terms of his present sexual orientation. He may have found out that he likes anal sex with a partner or on his own. The only person who can answer you and tell you the truth about your fiance’s sexuality at the moment is him. I am not sure why he becomes very angry when you ask him about his sexuality but I understand that this is a delicate subject for him. On the other hand, you feel that you need to be reassured about his sexual desire for you and this is a legitimate request so you may want to calmly speak with him again. Your needs are important.

Perhaps a good alternative would be to discuss the situation with him- not necessarily to focus on his sexual orientation. You could simply state that you feel bad about his lack of desire for you at the opresent time and have been looking for explanations. If this person is ready to have a child with you, he will most likely consider your feelings in this matter to the very least. Seeing a counsellor for couple therapy can be useful as well, if you find you have problems in communicating in such an open and honest way.

I wish you the best and don’t hesitate to write back if you feel the need to,

Nania, for AlterHeros