7 December 2008

I like to cross-dress as a female, does this make me gay?

Much like a question I saw on your site, I like to crossdress in private ; I wish I was female. I love looking at the female body but wish I was one. When I crossdress I pretend I’m with a man and I masturbate.
When I have sex with a woman I fantasize about being her or that I’m a woman, she’s a man. I’ve been with lots of women but feel I’m more inclined to want to be a woman. I’m not sure if I’m gay because men do nothing for me unless I’m dressed and fantasizing about being a woman. But I know most women will not accept me as I am so should I date men? Am I a homosexual? I’m very confused right now. I have a daughter and a very religious family so I can’t be a full time crossdresser.

Dee Gamme

Hi Al, and thanks for your question.

I don’t think that what you are experiencing is particularly unusual. Granted, you might feel alienated by ‘typical’ women you choose to date, but there are indeed women out there who would accept you as you are. There are even some women who would enjoy partaking in your cross-dressing fantasies. If you could find a woman who would cross-dress as a man for you, would this be arousing? Or must the woman be and act as a woman in order for you to fantasize and sexualize her as male, to your cross-dressed female?

Something to consider; you need to understand what it is that makes you feel good when you sexualize yourself as female. Is it that you’d rather have a female body (in which case, you might be transgender), or is it really the act of the fantasy which delights you? Your question is two-fold. First you need to discover who YOU are inside, and secondly, you need to explore your sexual orientation i.e.: whether you are interested in women, men, women who cross-dress, men only when you fantasize or role-play, etc. There are many possibilities, and none of the answers have to be simple. For example, if you enjoy intercourse with a variety of genders, that would be perfectly normal. Nobody says you need to choose one over another.

If you should decide to start dating men, this might be the only way to decide whether you are homosexual or not. But as far as I understand, you aren’t actually attracted to men, unless it is part of a fantasy. This doesn’t make you gay. In a fantasy, anything goes, gender lines may be blurred as you or your partners see fit. If you choose to date men simply by default because you don’t feel women would accept you as you are, are you being true to yourself?

Though as you say, your daughter, and your family’s religious views come into play, there definitely are women who would accept your cross-dressing, and potentially encourage it. If you must restrict it to your very private and intimate life, so be it. It appears that the main link to cross-dressing you have is primarily sexual, in which case, your sexual practices are nobody’s business but yours and your partner’s. Not everyone can accept or understand cross-dressing, but as long as your partner accepts it, and allows you to be comfortable the way you are, I’m sure you will stop feeling confused and worried, and perhaps have better, stronger relationships.

A quick search on the Internet might help you locate other men in your position, and perhaps even women who are happily married to cross-dressers and love their husbands very much, or single women who seek exactly what you can offer them.

I hope this has been helpful to you. Please let us know if there’s anything else we might assist you with!

Dee, for Alterheros