I’m trans, but the idea of being a man sometimes disgusts me because most men are misogynistic...

I’m trans, but the idea of being a man sometimes disgusts me because most men are misogynistic. I’m socialized as a man, but when men act misogynistic w me or try to relate over sexist ideas w me and assume I’m not a man or act as if I’m less of a man because I call them sexists or when I see that women treat me as a man in a “patriarchy” way (seeing me as a bit of a menace) I’m not happy of being a man. I don’t wsnt to be part of the patriarchy that way, I’m upset because I’m highly dysphoric but I doubt I’m trans because when this stuff happens I think that I don’t wsnt to be part of the men group. I also hate that in order to pass if women talk about women only experiences (misogyny experiences) I can’t tell my story because I’m not one of them, I feel like I’m erasing part of my past identity (a huge feminist) at times and I’m scared of turning misogynistic
Seth (he)

Gab (iel)

Hi Seth! Thanks for your question. I will try to help you with what’s been on your mind.

You explain that in your experience as a trans man, other cis men will try to include you in their misogynistic ways. You say that you don’t want to be part of the patriarchy and that you are not happy with how women will see you as a menace because they perceive you as a man. You express that you can’t share your experiences with women because you are not part of their group. You feel like having to conform to the men’s group is erasing a part of you. You feel like if you are a part of the men’s group you will have to become a man with misogynistic views and that you will have to silence the huge feminist part of your past self as you partake in the patriarchy. Is that so?

From what you told me, it looks like you want to be a man, you want to be seen as a man but not a misogynistic man.

Sometimes, as trans people, we want to pass so badly that, after having escaped a gender category with strict traditional gender roles that did not fit us, we will try to fit in a new category by trying to play out its every strict traditional gender role. These gender roles rarely fit anyone, whether they are cis or trans. You do not have to play into them. Men can also be allies to feminism. Many cis men also do not like the misogynistic ways of the general men’s group. Not buying into misogyny does not make you less of a man. You can call out people who do or say misogynistic things, you can say “hey, I don’t agree with this” and still be a man.

Because men profit from the patriarchy, you will be invited to profit off it too. It is up to you to say no. I understand that, as a trans person, you might not feel safe enough to do this. It can be scary, as a trans man, to stand up to misogynistic cis men.

If you want to pass without them knowing you are trans, you can still support the experience they mention. You can still listen to them and validate the experience they mention.

You can be a man and make sure that women and other people can feel safe around you.

Feel free to reach out to us again if you have any other questions!

Gab (they/them), sexology intern at AlterHéros