Hi Cool Bean,

Thanks for the question. It can be tricky meeting people when you first come out, but it’s definitely not impossible. There are no clear answers or ways to talk to someone, but there are some things you can keep in mind when talking with someone you’re potentially interested in.

If you’re unsure of his orientation, maybe probe around the next time you have a conversation. You don’t have to flat out ask if he has a girlfriend, had a girlfriend, has a boyfriend, or has had a boyfriend. Things hinting at those answers normally come up in conversations. You can also talk about what you’d done over the weekend – what he did, where he hung out. Some answers to those questions may provide some clues.

You also don’t have to flat out tell him that “hey, I’m gay” to let him know. You can drop subtle hints, maybe something as simple as a pronoun. For example if the conversation is about what you did over the weekend, or plans for the week – mention if you’re going on a date, and casually slip in that it was with a “he”.

There’s no need to formally come out to someone you’re interested in, there are plenty of other ways to find out information or get it across that are much more subtle or tactful.

As for what you say afterwards – ask him if he’d like to hang out outside of class sometime. A movie, dinner, drink, anything – all seem like a harmless first step to getting to know him outside of the classroom and seeing where things go.

I know it seems hard to approach someone or ask them out – being forward like that can be scary.  But you can definitely take less in-your-face approaches that can prompt the same results and won’t scare you so much. And if you just came out and haven’t done this often, of course it’s nerve-racking, but it will get better and easier. If all else fails, just be yourself – it’s your best, and ultimately most effective, approach.

Best of luck!
Brad