1 May 2007

How can my male straight friends be sure I will respond willingly to their advances ?

I’m a male attracted to men,but I’m not attracted to gay men, so I refrain from intimacy with them. As it turns out, I’m attracted to straight guys, and I never ever act on it, but some of my straight, masculine friends have initiated sex with me, as long as I was passive during our “intimacy”. Is this odd, and can they sense something in me, even if I don’t show my attraction to them? How can they be so absolutely sure that I’ll respond willingly to their advances?

sara rahmani

Hello Freddy,

Thank you for writing to AlterHeros.

I understand that you are attracted to straight men but do not pursue your attraction to them. The sexual encounters that you have had with straight men have been initiated by your partners. You are a passive partner in your intimate encounters with your straight male friends and you are curious if this is normal.

You ask if your partners can sense your attraction to them despite the hidden nature of your attraction. You also ask how it is that your friends are certain that you will respond to their advances. Remember that the word “normal” is used too often to pass judgement. Avoid classifying your sexual practices and the nature of your sexual attractions using the word “normal”. It has the effect of limiting you and your ability to express yourself. How you choose to express your sexuality is up to you and your partner. Be safe and considerate in your sexual expression by discussing your desires with your partner.

It is difficult to say what, if anything in particular, attracts us to the partners that we choose. How you express your attraction is up to you. Your partners are attracted to you regardless of how much or little you show your attractions. Remember that everyone is attracted to different characteristics and that it is not possible that all of your partners are attracted to the same feature in you.

It is also important to know that there is no guarantee that anyone will accept a sexual advance. Your partners have taken a risk each and every time they have initiated a sexual encounter with you. Your partners are attracted to you and take a risk when they proposition you.

You are a unique person and each of your partners are as well. They are attracted to you for very different reasons. There is no certainty in propositioning another person and each of your partners take of risk of being turned down when they do so. Avoid generalizing your experiences and judging the way you express your sexuality or attractions. Be safe and respectful or yourself and partners by talking to them.