24 October 2008

How do you ask a friend to have sex with you?

I am a 19 yr old male and have never had sex before although I have had a few girlfriends in the past. Right now I don’t know what is happening to me… I really want to have sex and I don’t care if it’s with a girl that I’m dating or anyone else. The first person that comes to my mind is a friend of mine who may still have feelings for me. She’s still a virgin and of my age and talks to me about how she gets turned on easily by guys, etc. and I know that she wants to have sex as well but I just don’t know if she still has feelings for me. Either way it could backfire so I just wanted to know if you could help me figure out how I can ask her to have sex. Thanks a lot.

lauren delrio

Hi Victor,

Thank you for writing. It sounds like you want to know how to ask a girl to have sex with you, without jeopardizing your friendship.

Asking someone to have sex is never easy, especially if you are both virgins. In the end, there is no easier way than simply asking her. It can be a pretty daunting task, but it is the best way to get a clear answer. If she does say yes, it also makes it easier to discuss birth control and protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) if you do ask directly. It is important to remember that besides abstinence, condoms are the best way to prevent STIs from spreading.

There is also a chance that she will say no, in which case you would need to respect her decision. Some ways of doing this are by keeping her answer to yourself, and by not treating her any differently. These things will make sure that you stay friends, regardless of whether or not you have sex.

You have said that you really want to have sex and are less concerned with your choice of partner than with the act itself. If you are ready to have sex, that’s great, just make sure it stays safe. However, keep in mind that sometimes there is a lot of pressure coming from friends or the media to have sex. If you are still slightly unsure about whether you’re ready, it may be a better idea to wait; there is no specific timeline you have to adhere to, and no age by which you have to have had sex. It all comes down to whatever feels right to you.

If you are feeling pressured by the need to have sex, you could consider discussing your situation with a counselor. Also, your family doctor (or any other doctor) is a very valuable resource on safer sex, including birth control options and STI protection.

It may also be a good idea to consider your friend’s feelings in this case and what exactly she is hoping/expecting from you. If she does not have expectations about a relationship with you, then you will probably remain friends even after the fact. However, if you clearly do not want a relationship with her, and she confuses your sexual interest for loving/romantic feelings, she could resent you for leading her on.

Hope this helps, and please don’t hesitate to write back if you have any more questions.

Good luck!

Lauren, for AlterHeros