25 January 2003

Story - Coming-Out... To My Best Friend

How are you today?  Here, I’m ok, not much going on at home, and when there’s nothing to do, it’s really boring.  On top of that, I don’t have many hours at works, maybe only ten hours per week.  Do you remember the thing that I wanted to tell you at Harvey’s the other day?


Well (* sigh *), do you still want to know?  I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell you but I’ll speed things along anyways.  Can you suspect what it is that I want to talk to you about if it’s that important to me?  No, it’s not about Genevieve.  Don’t jump too high! (* Breath deeply… *): I’m gay.  And yes, I can’t do anything about it.  Okay, are you still there?  Good, I had to tell you one day or another.  I couldn’t hide it from you anymore; it became too heavy a burden to deal with it alone.  You’re the only person that I could tell.   No one at home knows (surely they suspect it).  It’s true, I am conscious of it, I never had a girlfriend (nor a boyfriend!), you must think that I’m uncomfortable, or too in love with Genevieve to notice other girls, or this last choice.  I understand that if someone in high school mentions that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, well, he must have some screws loose in his head.  But I didn’t decide to be like this.

I’m sure you’re thinking “Why do I have a friend like this, why don’t I have a friend who is normal?” and well, I can tell you that it’s because you’re a great guy, someone I trust a lot.  Before I knew you, I would never have thought of revealing my secret to anyone, let alone a guy.  In fact, you are my best friend and for friends like that, it’s important to treat them well. You can understand that for the meantime, I don’t want others to find out.  I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time but was afraid of your reaction.  Even then, I’m not there to see the reaction on your face… I know that you won’t tell everybody and, on the contrary, I believe that you will help me to face and accept my orientation.  You can believe that it is not at all easy to live like this.  I am again at that stage of asking myself why am I in this world if I have to live a hidden life, a life negatively perceived by all.   No it’s true, why me?  I’m not in any hurry for my parents (my family) to find out.  Wow, such disappointment it’ll be for them, but it’s not a choice for them to make, neither is it for you, unfortunately it’s irreversible.

My whole family, like others, cling to the hope that I like Genevieve.  Yes, I do like her but not in a sexual way.  She’s terrific but there are no sparks.  The last few times, I felt forced to woo her, but it wasn’t that hard because, it’s true, I’m playing the game.  In the end, I feel better about the fact that I didn’t go out with her because imagine if she finds out what I told you.  I believe that I’d be wounded and alone.  I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of dating a girl just like everyone else, to be normal; but I couldn’t do it.  It’s not me; I wouldn’t be able to face myself.

My whole life, I’ve had to be on guard.  Even at work, there’s a girl who has her eye on me, what am I supposed to do?  Like usual, I close my eyes and I hate it!  I wish I was like you.  The feeling’s too strong; I don’t see myself at all with a girl.   At the same time, I’ve never really had a girlfriend and I don’t know what it’s like, but I know enough to know that it is not for me.  This must be difficult to follow, I apologize.  Anyways, we’ll speak again.  I think about it all the time, there’s not one day that goes by that I don’t think of it.  And there’s not one day where I don’t think about my homosexuality, my future with my family, and the rest. It poisons me.

I hope that you don’t have too many prejudices towards boys like me.  I hope that you remain my friend.  Think about me, I’m not fucked-up, it’s not written on my face.  I am normal just like everyone else.  Look at me from a different perspective: your friend who happens to be gay, ok?  You told me that we’d still be friends after you get your apartment when you start university; so that’s why I wanted you know before then.  Please, don’t be angry at me. I have trouble seeing the positive aspects of my orientation.  Well, there must be some positive aspects, because otherwise I wouldn’t be telling you those problems.  Yes, I would really like to have a boyfriend.  But again, I know that it’s not going to be easy.  It’s important that you raise my spirits because I’m feeling quite down, more than I ever thought I would.  I have confidence that you are going to forgive me, tell me that it’s now better that you know,  I’m dropping you off in a boat which is sailing in a vicious circle.  I may look like a shy embarrassed kid who just entered high school for whom life will turn out well, but it won’t, you’ll see.   The worst is that when one is gay, there are few, if any, resources for us.  I have to live with it, alone.  At least on the Internet, there are some resources.  I waited a long time before telling you, I wanted the base of our friendship to be strong enough to handle it. Ok, enough drivel.  I think that my message has gotten across.

I can’t wait to see you again.  Please, call me, you can talk to me, tell me what you think. Anyways, I can tell you that it’s much easier to write than to speak to you directly about it, trust me.