The struggle and pain you are going through comes through clearly in your words. I think it is really important to allow time and space to work through the questions and feelings you have about your gender identity. It is also important not to try and do it all on your own, and to look for support in as many places as possible. Perhaps one place to start is to find a counsellor or therapist that you find helpful and will provide a space to air some of your concerns. Also, I think it is important to know that whatever comes of exploring your feelings, it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling life — whether as cis or trans person.
I hope this is helpful, and please feel free to write back again.
All the best,