13 septembre 2004

Why can't I have erection when I want to have sex with a girl?

Hi there!
I am 28 year old male and I feel I am gay (based on the attraction to other men). I haven’t had sex with any men so far, but since I have an erection when I like someone then this proves that I am a homosexual. Besides, I tried to have sex once with a woman, but I couldn’t get any erection. I would gladly like to convert myself into heterosexual but I am fairly unsure if it is possible. I really hate what I am and even come to the idea of suicidal but I am glad that I haven’t had sex so far with people of the same sex (i.e. males). Unfortunately, I haven’t had sex even with females; this is due to my inability to get erection. I feel like I can beat what I am like since whenever I watch movies solely with naked girls (no men) I masturbate watching them and explode when I cum since I get my thoughts deep into those girls and I feel like I am having sex with them. I also used to masturbate thinking the opposite (i.e. having sex with men), but I am trying to get rid of these thoughts as I want to become a heterosexual.
My questions is: Why can’t I have erection when I want to have sex with a girl?
Profuse Thanks,

Équipe -Pose ta question!-

Dear Benny,

It must’ve been really difficult for you to conjure up the courage to ask this question. I realize that you must feel very confused and somewhat a bit lost. I will try to respond to your question in the best way that I can, because although you seek one specific answer, it seems that there are several others floating in between the lines.

First of all, you wanted to know how come you can’t get an erection when you want to have sex with a girl. An erection is, of course, a physical reaction. Many people believe that sexuality is something that should come naturally and that is automatic. But as human beings we have a brain that filters our responses. We sometimes underestimate the influence of our thoughts and our beliefs on our bodies. Also, stress is an important factor in sexual excitement. If you are too preoccupied and feel too anxious, it might have an effect on your functioning. I believe that sexuality is not only something that is of the body, but also involves our mind and hearts.

This leads up to other matters that you have written about in your message. You seem to be a bit worried about being gay and that you are trying to become heterosexual. In the past, many psychiatrist and doctors have unsuccessfully tried to convert homosexuals into heterosexuals. Nowadays, people try to help the person come to accept who they are and to learn to love what they are. You seem to be struggling with desires and attractions. These elements come from inside and are expressed from the outside. What I mean is that you are trying to correct your physical reactions to things that you feel from the inside. An erection is something different from desire, attraction and fantasies. Desire is often translated into an erection. But they are state of minds that cannot be changed. Fantasies are something’s that are subjective and difficult too rearrange. Also, there is a difference between sexual activity and sexual orientation. The first is self explanatory. The latter one is associated usually with a sense of identity. It reflects who you are and who you are attracted to. For example, your sexual orientation is gay when you are a man attracted to men. We do not choose our sexual orientation, but we do choose how we live it. As I mentioned before, it is not something you can change, even by modifying your sexual activities. It is possible that a person has sex with people of the same sex and not identify as gay. It is also possible that someone sees themselves as gay at one time in their life and then later on sees themselves as another sexual orientation. What is really essential is to realize that your general well being is what is important.

In your message, you mention that you have had suicidal ideas. That is a very serious thing. Being gay or having fantasies about people of your own gender is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is not a choice and it does not represent all of who a person is. Homosexuality is a part of the person and not his or her whole personality. You seem to be struggling a lot. I hope that my answer will somewhat appease your worries and that you will not be so hard on yourself in the future.

If you would like additional information, I suggest that you read our other answers on this site. Good luck!

Team AlterHeros