28 janvier 2010

My bi friends say I'm not bi because I won't have sex with girls

Well my religion is known for lesbian use or bi-sexual use but i wanna know is im bi? i like kissing girls and i had a girlfriend but i would never have sex with a girl i like watching it on the internet but i would never do it my brother knows im like that but my mom does not aprove of it and my bi friends tell me that if i dont like having sex with girls then im no bi and im a poser i just want some clarity

Julie Nguyen

Hi Rebekkah,

Thank you for writing to Alterheros.

What I understand is that you would like to know if you are bi or not. From my experience, I would tell you that it is very normal to not be certain of your sexual orientation, especially when you are young. With time and experiences, you will learn what you like and love.

As for now, my advice is that you should not let other people (in this case, the bi friends you mention) tell you if you are bi or not. They do not know exactly how you feel and how you think, they are not inside your head and inside your heart. Do not let them tell you that you are a «poser». If you do not agree with them and feel comfortable discussing it with them, then you should. But if you would rather not talk about it, your friends and you can «agree to disagree». Sexual orientation is individual and personal to each and everyone of us. Only you cand decide for you what is your sexual orientation. There is no rush in putting a name on your orientation, you can take the time you need to figure out what feels right for you.

What is most important is that you feel comfortable and happy with who you are, even if you do not know for sure right now. It is not so important to categorically define right away your sexual orientation: focus on discovering what you like. Allow yourself to feel what comes naturally. You may realize that you are attracted both to men and women, emotionally and also physically. But you need to give yourself some time, and do not pressure yourself, and do not let others pressure you.

You say now that you «would never have sex with a girl», while on the other hand you like watching it online. Do you know why? Only you know the answer, and you will gain clarity by giving yourself time and by experiencing new situations.

Be patient with yourself, you are your own best friend,

do not hesitate to send us more questions,

Julie for Alterheros