I’ve fallen for my friend but I don’t know if she would date a girl -what should I do?


Hi Sophie,

Thanks for writing in to us at AlterHéros. Ahh… Being in love. It can be the wonderful and amazing feeling when you find that special somebody that feels the same way about you. It can also make you go crazy when you fall in love with someone that you’re not sure feels the same way. From the sounds of your post, it seems that you have fallen in love with your best friend, the person that you trust with all your heart, that you tell everything, who can read you like a book. Even though your friends don’t like her, you still think that she is an amazing, one of a kind person. The problem now lies in the fact that she likes boys and you’re not sure if she would go for a girl.

The only way you can really find out how she would feel about seeing you as a girlfriend rather than a friend who is a girl is by talking to her about it. You’ve already said that you trust her with your heart so it would be good if you could tell her how your heart really feels. Keep in mind that you will need to prepare yourself for the best and the worst that can come out of telling her. In terms of the worst, she could freak out, want to stop being friends with you and tell others that you confessed your love to her, which could lead to other people and maybe even your family judging you. In the best case scenario, she could tell you that she’s felt the same way and you two could start seeing each other as girlfriends. If, however, you know that she only likes boys, she may just acknowledge your honesty, turn you down kindly and just keep things as they are (perhaps with a small time span of awkwardness that results from two people realizing different levels of affection for one another). In this last scenario, you would have to accept her decision and simply be happy about being able to express how you feel about her. You’re more than allowed to feel sad or disappointed if she chooses to remain just friends, but you should also be happy that she is such an accepting person, one that wants to maintain friendship despite a difference of affection.

If you decide to share your feelings with her, here are a few tips that will make things a little bit easier:

1. Make sure you choose the right environment, something private and quiet so that you know that you’ll have time to talk it all out, undisturbed

2. Choose a location that either of you can leave easily in case things get heated or emotional.

3. Make sure you’re both in a good frame of mind (not stressed or angry/annoyed about other stuff).

4. Be prepared to have to realize that some relationships are not meant to be and even the act of revealing your feelings can have negative consequences.

Hopefully she will prove herself to be the friend that you describe so lovingly and that you can work things out between the two of you. Good luck to you and please feel free to write us back if you have news or other questions.

Sincerely,

K-Wo for AlterHéros


About Kay Wo

Kay holds a master degree in sexology. She has also been involved in public speaking to youth on fighting homophobia in schools, as well as working with youth living with HIV. Kay volunteers also for CAEO Québec (Gay Line, Gay Online and SILK).

Since I joined the AlterHéros team, I have greatly enjoyed my time as an “Tell the expert” expert. Not only do I enjoy writing up tid bits of advice to inquiring minds, I feel that I have gained a lot from hearing about the problems and inquiries of individuals from all different walks of life. This has afforded me to think outside the box, outside of my own context and to expand my understanding of people, sexuality and a wide range of other subjects. This monthly challenge has benefited me in many ways and I have always appreciated how easily it fits in to my schedule. Not only that, but the staff have always been friendly and flexible concerning my needs.

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