I was always a lesbian, am I turning bisexual over one man?

Hi Cris –

Thank you for your letter. We tend to identify our sexuality a certain way as it makes it easier for us, as humans, to explain to ourselves and to others our attractions. However, sexuality exists on a continuum. Some people are attracted to the opposite sex 99.9% of the time, so they would likely be labeled as heterosexual. Others are attracted to the same sex 99.9% of the time, and they would likely be labeled homosexual. Then there are those who may say they’re 50:50, so they would probably call themselves bisexual. But what about those who tend to be attracted to the same sex 75% of the time, but have the occasional encounter with the opposite sex that they find appealing sexually, emotionally, etc.? Perhaps they identify themselves as bisexual, perhaps as homosexual – it is different for each person. Beyond just the sex of potential partners, we tend to be attracted to certain traits and qualities. Maybe this man has many of the qualities you like in women and you had simply not found a man previously who embodied these particular traits. Everyone has their mix of masculine and feminine traits and this man may have the mix that you normally find attractive in women. However, it doesn’t make it wrong to feel this way just because he has an X and a Y instead of 2 X chromosomes.

Admittedly, it is possible that you feel attracted to being with him at this time because he is filling a space that you now have due to your break-up. But by exploring this possibility what do you have to lose beyond crashing down some possible misperceptions of yourself? Don’t limit your happiness by a label. If this man makes you feel both happiness and excitement in his presence, then why not give it a try? Yes, it will be complicated as the perception of yourself and the perception by others of you will change, but you may find you like the possibilities this opens up to you.

Best of luck in this process.

Sincerely –

Lorin for Alterheros

About Lorin Young

Lorin has a medical degree and has since started her residency in Psychiatry. She also has experience with a variety of volunteer organizations on topics ranging from HIV/AIDS education, tobacco education, and mental health.

I've volunteered at AlterHeros because the questions were always interesting and I have learned a lot through them. It is really important to have a forum like this where people can feel free to ask complicated questions.

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