I am having feelings towards other men, I know my wife would not accept this.


Diverse sexual feeling can come up at any point in life, most teens as they grow into adults discover and confirm a sexual identity/orientation for themselves. Unlike traditional society models may have you believe orientation is not something that is fixed, it is something that can change over the course of a lifetime. See Kinsey Institute* www.kinseyinstitute.org

I understand that your wife is not or would not be open to this.. You are the only person who can make a judgment call on this, you must carefully judge the implications to your relationship if you where to reveal your new potential feelings toward men or have a same-sex sexual relation. Ask yourself are these sexual urges just curiosity, fantasies or really a desire (ingrained need) to have sex with or be in a full emotional relationship with a man. Again you need to find some of the answers to those questions, so you can judge and determine what your next steps will be.

In heterosexual relationships both in marriage or in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship there are women and men that feel the need to have sex with other people. This can be caused by many factors such as lack of communication, boredom, lack of sexual opportunities, and sexual pleasure in the relationship. Also things like a lack of respect, vengeance or revenge, or to create jealousy or conflict and many other reasons, can exist that help explain cheating or infidelity in a relationship. If feel you need help you should seek counseling or even try finding a psychologist who specializes in orientation.

The situation you’re describing is not uncommon and has even been talked about on Oprah's television show “men On The Down Low or DL” (You can Google the term to understand and read more about it) There are men experiencing the same questioning, or acting on feeling, directly.

You will really have to look deep within yourself to make sure that you are thinking about sex with men not because of all the reasons mentioned above, but because you feel a desire within yourself, that this interest for men has only to do with yourself and not your relationship with your wife. You will also have to look at why these issues are coming up now, has their been a change in your life; job, living arrangements, pressure from family/parents to have children, etc. You have to see within yourself if something has triggered this, or something is causing this to happen (is it a reaction to your past/childhood or teenage years or to something else) – the same reasoning psychologists use to find out why someone who is obese, is eating too much food; the food is a response to an emotional trigger. Being suddenly interested in men or wanting to have sex with men may fall under this category, but may also just be the fluidity of sexual orientation. Some people who where bisexual, (who like both men and women) find a soul mate, they live in a relationship that is either heterosexual or homosexual (the categories we as a society/medical have determined) but within themselves they still consider themselves as bisexual.

Later in life, in seniors who are homosexual but who never came out of the closet decide to live together with like-minded seniors as roommates, they have feeling deep inside but still have difficulty expressing their true orientation. These seniors will simply live with a roommate they have a deep affection for or trust in. Most homosexual people who grew up in the 40's, 50's and 60's where not able to come out, those feelings and desires where repressed for years and years, many homosexual women had to endure and fake heterosexual life, to satisfy family, religious obligations, raise kids and take care of their husbands. Many of these same women are now elderly widows who will die without ever anyone knowing they where lesbian or bi-sexual.

I'm not saying same sex homosexual seniors, who live together are interested in homosexual relationship or engaging in homosexual sex, just because they are living together, what I am saying is that a senior may feel completely comfortable living with a same sex roommate just because they have feeling of complete mutual trust, understanding and friendship (this deep friendship is by definition a relationship) these go way beyond just sexual …

If sexual orientation in society where not such a taboo people would probably be in much healthier and happier relationships.

JP for Project 10 Montreal

Visit www.p10.qc.ca


About JP Duc

JP has over 10 years of experience working with GLBTIQ youth organizations. He has been also a dedicated volunteer for over 16 major events including conferences & social functions for the gay community in Montreal. He also has done studies in creative arts, audio-visual and communication.

I enjoy challenging myself to find interesting ways of transmitting unbiased and practical information/solutions to common problems teenagers, and gay people face concerning sexuality. Seeing feedback from our visitors in the guestbook proves to me that a need exists for AlterHeros services and the thousands of volunteer hours that go into this organisation are appreciated by people from all over the world.

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