Am I gay? And how do I find the right man for me?


Hello Jimmy, thanks for your question, we have received two questions from you as displayed above however in one question your age is 16 and in the other your 12. How I would answer the question differs a bit depending on your age.

Sexual maturation happens in young teenage years 11 to 15. Sexual orientation discovery (self-identification) and the process of coming out of the closet (identification to others) happens generally right after sexual maturation from age12 to 25, however it can also happen much later in life. But in some societies, religious communities and cultures, homosexuality is seen as wrong, illegal or is not recognized. So the process of sexual orientation and the coming out process are much more difficult or sometimes even impossible.

At age 12 your teenage years are just starting, you are in the beginning time of sexual development; it’s a period that can last until age 17. It is a period where genitalia growth is rapid and where frequent and often embarrassing erections appear, it is also a period of sexual excitement, curiosity and discovery of human sexuality. Testosterone has started or will start rushing through your body, all sorts of things race through your mind including sexual fantasization, and a desire and drive to have any form of sex with yourself or persons regardless of their gender, this because the brain itself is still in development and the centers that control judgment (what’s wrong & what’s right, risk taking and emotional control have not yet completely developed). In this developmental stage these issues are common especially today within our sexualized world*

*Sexualized world: media like tv advertising, music videos (using sexual situation to sell product and perfect body imagery, body obsession), and ease of access to pornography. Even in children’s programming for 6 to 10 year old, mothers on the Internet are reporting that sexual connotations or situations are present in most television programming, these include storylines of: crushes between boys and girls, love letters and of course the kisses or making-out sessions. By pre-teen age kids 8 to 12, are literally talking about first base, second base.. etc, thong underwear, body beauty issues, sexual attributes and much more, before their own bodies are even ready for reproduction!

At age 16 your testosterone and sexual drive is still there, but you have a developed sexuality and control over sexual excitement, you may still be questioning your orientation, but in most cases you know what you feel deep inside yourself. Sometimes for a boy who is bi-sexual or who has had sexual activity with a girl, the affirmation of their bisexuality or homosexuality may be more complex/confusing for them, because they feel a need or a want towards having sexual pleasure with the same sex as well. At 16 you are much closer to being an adult and taking care of your personal life, including your sexual life. You are 2 years from being able to make full legal decisions for yourself, at 18 you can vote, be in a union or marry, have a job with no restrictions, travel to most anywhere, etc.

At 16, you are still a minor, so you must judge carefully the consequences of going on adult meeting websites; they are not recommended for those under 18, because they often have members who are older or even much older than you and some of these people may not have good intentions; it’s important not to give details like your exact name, date of birth, your address and the name of your school for example, these can affect your personal safety. I see profiles on Facebook and often people forget this stuff and post everything! The best way to find a sexual partner around your age is to meet people, ideally in person, this first contact may be over the Internet but I don’t recommend any sexual meeting without knowing the person first. Make sure to always meet new people at a public location, like a coffee shop and bring a reliable friend with you. See this article about meeting people https://alterheros.com/english/ask_experts/ask.cfm?QID=1744

Your question indicates you would like to experience oral sex and gay sex. When wanting to engage in sexual activity with another person you have to ensure that the other person is ready, as much as you are and is consenting. Is your friend really ready, make sure you don’t pressure someone to have sex, even just oral sex, unless they are willing too. It’s important to remember all teenagers are different, some guys are ready to experiment or have sex at 12 but others only feel ready at 14 even 16.. It has more to do with the individual person, than it has to do with their age. Other things to prepare include protection, do you have condoms? (even if you’re only planning on having oral sex.. you never know what will happen, so be prepared) Is the person you will have sex with clean, or do they have any active warts or legions (skin infection, or active viruses) around their mouth or in the groin area, or on their genitals? Do they have an STI? Does the person practice good hygiene, bathe or shower every day, and clean underwear? Do you have a safe and private location where you can enjoy the experience; the back of a car is not so great, neither is being caught by your mother or siblings?

And just because you have had experimentation or sex with a man doesn’t confirm you are gay: many young gays have had sex with females, had fun, but have no emotional connection to women, (no emotional involvement) The physical act of sex is different than the emotional part, when the two are present you feel it, it’s great and it helps in confirming who you are.

I understand you would like to know your sexual orientation: is it a passing phase or am I gay?.. Sexual orientation is not something that is controllable.. You are what you are. It’s over time that this will become clearer to you. Only you know your true sexuality. How you choose to live through it, and with it or express it, is up to you. Some men choose to come out in their teenage or young adult lives and seek a same sex partner and continue to live in their communities, while others feel they must gather within a community (gay village, or areas they feel safe in; cities/communities that protect gay people). Other men who are gay choose to still get married with a woman, have children and enjoy that type of life choice. Other men do the same but come out later in life, once their children have grown up, they feel that they have done what their families or communities around them have expected of them. For some men it is more difficult, often because of diverse forms of repression; cultural, religious or other forms of repression such as abuse, feel the deep desire to express themselves in very stereotypical characteristic ways for example: dressing in provocative ways, having strong mannerisms, wearing make-up, excluding woman from their lives, etc. These make them feel comfortable and help them express who they are.. (Identify themselves to a community/group of people) (self identity/self affirmation)

But there are a lot of misconceptions to being gay. Just because you come out as a gay person doesn’t mean you have to wear tight skinny jeans, talk in a higher voice, wear a pink boa and dance to YMCA.. or jump on every man you see… All that is a choice. You can be just the average person that wakes up in the morning, takes a shower, brushes their teeth and goes to school or work. it’s just that you happen to also be attracted to the same sex.

JP for the AlterHeros team.


About JP Duc

JP has over 10 years of experience working with GLBTIQ youth organizations. He has been also a dedicated volunteer for over 16 major events including conferences & social functions for the gay community in Montreal. He also has done studies in creative arts, audio-visual and communication.

I enjoy challenging myself to find interesting ways of transmitting unbiased and practical information/solutions to common problems teenagers, and gay people face concerning sexuality. Seeing feedback from our visitors in the guestbook proves to me that a need exists for AlterHeros services and the thousands of volunteer hours that go into this organisation are appreciated by people from all over the world.

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