I’m a straight guy in love with my lesbian best friend… what should I do?


I’m a straight guy in love with my lesbian best friend I already told her about this and later on I asked if she ever did want to start a relationship with a guy would she give me a chance and she said yes without hesitation we are still close friends but I can’t stop thinking about her she all I can think about what do I do

Vampire

Hi Vampire!

Thank you for your trust. I imagine that the situation you describe must be very difficult right now. You have the right to take the time you need to sort out these different emotions.

You say that your best friend, who you are in love with, reacted well when you asked if she would be welling to start a romantic relationship with you. So first and foremost I want to congratulate you, it takes a lot of courage to communicate those feelings to someone and that’s a credit to you! Rather than keeping it all to yourself and worrying about her possible reaction, you opted for transparency and openness, and these are two qualities that undoubtedly show your very high emotional maturity 🙂 But just to be sure, did you tell her you love her? Or was it an hypothetically question to ask her if she would give it a chance? Being honest with her about your feelings can be a really good idea. What do you think?

I would also like to ask you : what would you like from this relationship? Would you like to try having a romantic relationship with her? Do you prefer to keep her as your best friend? These are really hard and big questions, I know, but you aren’t alone to answer them. You can openly talk about it with your friend and give to both of you the space to address these questions and concerns.

Moreover, each person has the possibility to define their sexual orientation according to what makes sense to them. These are concepts that can fluctuate with the rhythm of certain encounters, new desires or the discovery of new attractions. In other words, no matter what our sexual orientation is, or which label we use, we may also meet someone with whom we have a romantic connection that is outside our traditional standards of attraction! It could be a nice idea to talk openly with your friend about how she feels about being lesbian and dating a guy. There is no right or wrong answer here!

I can’t predict where this relationship will go, but I can certainly confirm that you have a really big confidence for each other and that you can stick on that trust to talk, share feelings and take decision that would be best for both of you. Having this kind of conversation can be really vulnerable, but it could create a really empowered bonding between you! 🙂

If ever it isn’t going in the direction you wish, I understand it could be very hard to accept that you won’t be able to have a love story together and I deeply understand how you may feel. I can try to give you my little tips that I use when I am going through heartbreak.

I often feel that in this kind of situation, we tend to put ourselves down a lot. We feel like we are not good enough for the other person and we slap ourselves on the wrist. What helps me in these moments is to find activities where I feel valued. I do activities to make me realize how great I am. I am also learning to give myself a lot of love and to accept that I have feelings of sadness related to my grief. These, while unpleasant, are temporary. Like your grief.

Many people say that only time can heal heartbreak. I think time is a big part of it, but not the only part. I think moving on is about acceptance and forgiveness. Accepting that we can’t always experience what we want to experience, sometimes because it’s not for us. I also dare to hope that it is because something better is waiting for us afterwards. To accept, above all, that we live in pain. It is not weak to experience emotions that make us cry and hurt. You have the right to be hurt and to take the time you need to move on. Finally, forgive yourself for the pain you cause yourself and forgive the other person for the pain they cause you. All these emotions are human, take the time you need to live them. However, you are never obliged to forgive anyone, only if you think that it will soothe your heart.

If you have people you trust around you, I advise you to talk to them. I understand that this is a sensitive situation and that you may not want to talk about it with anyone. I would just like you to know that you are not alone in this and that what you are feeling is valid.

I hope that my words have eased your feelings a little. I send you a lot of strength and love in this.

Take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to write again if you feel the need. Have a great day! And good luck with this upcoming conversation with your friend. 🙂

Warm regards,

Guillaume (il/he), for AlterHéros


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About Guillaume Perrier

A social development student at the University of Quebec at Rimouski (UQAR), Guillaume (he/him) is passionate about the representation of sexual diversity and gender plurality in the context of rurality. An activist defending the rights of sex workers and HIV prevention, he also loves to put his toes in the salt water of the sea and spend hours under his blankets every morning.