#non binary
18 August 2022

I'm 12 years old and I currently identify as genderfluid but I'm starting to question myself about whether I am or not. I know one thing for sure is that I am not cis.

Hi I am 12 years old Currently identify as Genderfluid But I am starting to question myself about whether I am or not but I know one thing for SURE I am not cis. I present Female but Mostly feel male/agender but i have these days where I either feel Nonbinary or like a Demigirl it is never fully female. so I need help because i have no idea what gender I am. I also have extreme anxiety so I haven’t came out yet because I feel like my mom will hate me(She is very supportive of lgbtq so i know it is safe) i am just scared so if you have any suggestions i would like them.


– Alex?( Dunno what my name is anymore)


Hi Alex? 


Feel free to try any name you kinda like, experimenting with names can be fun!


Thanks for reaching out. Figuring out your gender can take a while and be really confusing, but you already have a good start : you’re not cis and you’re not a exclusively or entirely a women. For some folks that enough, you can describe yourself by what you aren’t, like how non-binary means nbot being a man nor a woman. You can also want some a bit more descriptive or specific. Non-binary, agender, demi-girl are all possible options that focus of different parts, it really depends on what is most important to you, what you want to insist on. Is it the distinction from traditional binary genders, the complete lack of gender, the masculinity or the partial femininity that speak the most to you?


If you have a hard time picking just one, remember that you can choose multiples words to speak about your identity. You can be transmasculine and non-binary, mostly agender but also kinda demi-girl and fluid, etc. You can use different descriptions in different contexts, some people will be more willing ti hear you out and have a deep conversation about gender, and for some other people you mighthave to simplify and dumb it down in order to be understood.


You say that the way you identify tends to change from day to day. That’s totally fine, you can feel more masculine some days, and more feminien or neutral others. At different times in your life you can switch how you identify yourself. For some people that constant fluctuation is important enough to their self-definition that they identify as genderfluid. If you feel like that too, it could be a label that fits you.


As for suggestions, I think I would mostly advise that you try things. You say you have a mostly feminine gender presentation, maybe try baggier clothes, combat boots or shorter hair, if you’re not ready you don’t have to explain why to your parents. You can say it’s about your comfort or the current trends. When you’re with close friends or online you can try new pronouns and nicknames. If you play video games or DnD maybe play a male character next. You can explore your gender with music, poetry, tv or books, by enjoying them or making some. One of the best ways to figure out what you like/dislike is to try new things and see how you feel. Find who you are and then do it on purpose as Dolly Parton said!


I understand you’re afraid to talk to your mom about this, even if she seems supportive of LGBTQ+ issues. It’s different and a lot more personal when it’s about you. Maybe you want to be sure what you’re coming out as first, so you don’t have to do it multiple times. Either way, no pressure. You can do it when you feel ready to. Even if for some reason your mom ends up disapproving or not understanding, I honestly kinda doubt that she would hate you. If she is as supportive of LGBTQ+ as you think she is, she will likely find information and try to be there for you. If you want to come out to someone else first, a friend or a teacher for exemple, it might seem easier if you have some practice.


I get the fear and anxiety that comes with all of this, a lot of trans people go through those types of feelings. I want to tell you that it’s worth it, and being loudly and proudly yourself is truly worth it. 


I hope this answer will help! 


Take care,


Maxim·e, intervention worker for AlterHeros

Iel/they/them, accords neutres