I have known that I was queer since I was 13. I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking the same sex, but I think despite accepting my sexuality, that I still feel a sense of shame for it.

So, I do I don’t really know the point of asking this aside from maybe finding solace.

So I have known that I was queer since I was 13. I began liking boys once I hit puberty, and it was something I never really brought up. I always grew up with crushes on my make friends, even in the present. I never personally denied it to myself, I just was unsure when or what to confront about it. In some ways it never bothered me, but as I’ve gotten older and closer to being a real adult, it’s certainly affected me more.

I know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking the same sex. I know that. I KNOW that…but I think despite accepting my sexuality, that I still feel a sense of shame for it. Maybe it’s me reconciling the ideas that a naive child has for a future, with the viewpoint of an adult.

During one of my lectures, I actually liked a girl and we went out for a while. I believe I did have a crush on her, but sometimes I just think that I was gaslighting myself to avoid my abstract insecurities on my sexual orientation. I can’t really tell if it’s a fluke or not. I think she’s been the only girl that I’ve maybe been interested in. I don’t know.

For the past few months I’ve been having infrequent wet dreams. All five of them have involved men, and the day after I would always wake up with a vexing sadness, lonliness and apprehension. They felt good, and I can see myself with a man, I just overthink the emotional and cultural baggage associated with it. It feels terrible to be victimized by something you didn’t choose. I know that I shouldn’t really worry about labels and whatnot, but it’s frustrating to be second guessing everything.

I can’t even come out to my brothers. I want to, but it fills me with inexplicable dread. I think deep down that I don’t want to be seen as gay. I’ve come out to my parents, but I don’t know why I can’t my siblings. They would accept me. just as warmly as my parents have, but I can’t articulate why. I just don’t want to be judged, and I want to feel normal. I know they wouldn’t care but I can’t shake that anxiety. These emotions feel so familiar, yet so esoteric. I know that one day I’ll do it, but I just don’t know when.

I thought I outgrew such a backward notion. I dunno, my emotions to it are so contradictory and complex towards the issue maybe I should seek a therapist.

Émilie Grandmont

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your situation with us. I know it can be hard to feel this way about ourselves, knowing deep down that our sexual orientation is completely valid.

There can be some ways to help deconstruct these thoughts and, of course, I’m here to give you some tips, but you might have to give it some time. It could be a long process, since the majority of us lives surrounded by cis-heteronormativity, and as I’m sure you already know, there is no instant way to learn to feel good about our sexuality. You already took a good step by contacting us, so I’m glad you did!

A good first step is to identify where those thoughts and feelings about our sexuality come from. For example, why do you associate homosexuality with shame? Is it because, in a way, you still think that being heterosexual is better, easier? Is it because you grew up without any queer representation? Also, why don’t you want to be seen as gay? Is it because people around you makes fun of sexual diversity? Because you don’t want to be associated with the stereotypes that revolve around gay men? Or simply because you think people will see you or treat you differently? This way, you could think about the negative ideas and stereotypes you might have when thinking about homosexuality.You already seem to think a lot about what motivates thoses thoughts, so maybe these reflections would help, maybe not.

Do you have any queer friends or acquaintances? If you don’t, meeting people who have similar experiences to yours could allow you to assert yourself, to be listened to and even to see homosexuality in a more positive light. I don’t know what country you live in, so I can’t send you any resources, but I’m sure if you do some research, you’ll be able to find 2SLGBTQIA+ associations in your area! You can also find some forums, Discords, Facebook groups online to talk to peers.

Another thing you could do to find solace is to consume media with 2SLGBTQIA+ characters and relationships, like movies, tv shows, books, video games, etc. I, myself, love Grey’s Anatomy and Brooklyn 99! Some other good tv-shows are Sense 8, Sex Education, The Umbrella Academy, Schitt’s Creek and Heartstopper. On Youtube, there are queer youtubers like Queer Kiwi, Jammidodger. Anyways, here are two lists of queer representation in movies and shows:

30 LGBT+ Shows That Changed Everything for Queer Representation on TV – Glamour
30 Wonderful LGBTQ+ Movies To Watch For Every Day Of Pride Month – BuzzFeed

Now let’s talk about your coming out to your brothers. It’s absolutely normal to be scared to come out to some people, even if we know that they would be really fine with that. Coming out is not an obligation. You don’t have to come out to everyone if you don’t want to or if you’re not ready. You can also wait until you feel that it’s a good time to tell them. What I can tell you is, remember that you know that you’re queer since you’re 13. This means that, especially because you say that you want to feel “normal”, you have already been yourself for many years. Telling them won’t change you as a person and they already know who you are. A label won’t change that. Still, I repeat that you don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. 🙂

Lastly, as for the relationship you had with a girl, you are the only one who can define what it meant to you. Maybe you loved her, maybe you were sexually attracted to her, or not, but no matter what it meant to you, you are also the only person who can define your sexual orientation. What I mean is, you can consider yourself gay even if you had a relationship with a girl in the past, or even if you sometimes feel sexual attraction towards women. You can also use the terms queer, bi, pan, it’s up to you!

I hope your need to find solace is met by reading this answer. Feel free to contact us again whenever you want!

Émilie (she/her), for AlterHéros