Why am I not into having sex with my boyfriend or thinking about him in a sexual way?


I am 18 years old and I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I do love him and find him good looking as well. I sometimes question myself whether I am attracted to him, but this might only be my paranoia. I started liking him back when we met mostly because of his personality rather than looks. I have liked several guys while I was younger but my present boyfriend is the first one I have had an intimate relationship with.

Recently intercourse had been painful and I do not always feel like doing it. When he wants it I have a hard time getting aroused. I also noticed myself looking at girls often, but I always thought it is because I am comparing myself to them, or if they are pretty I would look at them. I have been feeling depressed lately because of several reasons and also have had some fights with my boyfriend. Why do I find myself not into having sex, or thinking about him in a sexual way, and is my behavior towards girls normal ?

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for your question.

I know all of these thoughts may seem abnormal or foreign to you, but the truth of the matter is, thinking about anyone in a sexual way is absolutely normal and actually healthy ! You should not worry that thoughts of this nature are abnormal or indicate something about your sexual orientation, because what you may not realize is that many people think about these things.

Thinking about another girl sexually or being attracted to her does not necessarily mean you will be attracted to other girls in the same way; but if you realize that over time you are attracted to multiple women, then maybe that is something you might/might not want consider pursuing. No matter what, though, you should remember that labels do not matter.

There could be a number of factors leading to you not wanting sex or sex being painful. One thing you could potentially look at is the quality of your relationship with your boyfriend and whether he makes you happy in areas other than sex: does he satisfy your needs, make you feel happy, comforted, secure, emotionally supportive, etc? If something is lacking in another area of your relationship, then maybe it is translating into you being turned off during sex.

Also, after being in a relationship for a long period of time, sometimes the novelty or exciting aspect of a relationship disappears, and it does not feel as “new” or “hot” as it used to be; this is perfectly normal and everyone goes through something like this in long relationships.

Sometimes people like to seek out new or creative ways to “spice up” their relationships: trying something new together like a new restaurant or activity, trying something new (that you both agree on) in the bedroom… this can be a positive way to experience something new together and rekindle that initial “spark”. Of course, this is only a suggestion and should not be taken as something you have to do.

Something else to think about may be your current life situation outside your relationship: school, work, family, etc. Is there anything in your life that is stressing you out? Are you worried about something? Are you going through a rough time? These are all things that could also lead to pain during intercourse or loss of interest in sex.

In addition, another option could be meeting with a doctor for a check-up to rule out any medical or physiological problems that could be affecting your situation. Needless to say, there is not one single route to finding out why you do not want sex: it is often a complex issue and usually involves more than one factor. Also, remember it’s totally okay not to want to have sex.

I suggest that you think about everything I mentioned and also talk with loved ones (your boyfriend, friends, family, etc.); talking often helps to discover a different way of looking at those issues that are of concern to you.

I hope this helps, and please write to us again if you have other questions,

Sincerely,

Catherine, for AlterHeroes

Leave a comment