17 June 2003

Testimony - The Confusion Starts Here!

I was only 11 years old. We had just got back to his house after spending a gloriously sunny day playing around on our bikes. We were both dirty, and started getting changed in the innocent manner we always did, in full view of each other, yet in full ignorance all at the same time.

As we both carried on, I felt a strange feeling welling up inside me, a feeling I had never sensed before, and something that frightened me if Im honest. My mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour, and to my complete embarrasment, my body was following suit….
As it turned out, his mind and body were thinking along the same lines. That was the first time I ever felt attracted to another guy. It is now 12 years since, and I am saddened to say that I am still just as confused as that first experience. Over my adolescent years I have experimented with a few different guys, and recently I have even turned to bisexual chat pages in a bid to find some positive feeling of my sexuality.
In my heart of hearts I dont think I’m gay.
In alot of ways I kind of wish I was, at least I would have a handle on the situation, but I dont.
Then again, I dont think I’m straight either.
I’ve had a steady girlfriend in the past (we were at one point engaged) and I was in love with, and attracted to her. Yet still, when I made love to her, I found myself on numerous occasions closing my eyes and imagining sex with a man, despite the fact that I cherished her, along with the times we spent together.
I walk down the road, and find my eyes automatically honing in on form breasts, and curvy waists, yet as soon as I feel arousal encroaching, my thoughts turn to men, and all that they do sexually.
I don’t know about you, but I am truly and thoroughly confused !!!
I like to look at women, and I find my eyes following their pretty feminine forms as they walk along the street, or sit on the bus or whatever, yet I also find my thoughts at illicit times turning to men.
When I cast an eye to my future, I think of women when thinking of a relationship in the conventional sense of having one.
Yet I cant seem to shake this almost autonomous attraction to men.
I’m in my early twenties, yet I’m still as confused as I was when I had my first experience, some 12 years ago….
As it says in the title, the confusion starts here. This appertains to that first stark experience.
Over a decade later, the finishing line is still nowhere in sight……