7 July 2002

Sex Appeal

Équipe -Pose ta question!-

You fancied the ass of him when you first saw him across a crowded bar, those tight Diesel jeans and that mischievous grin.

Ok, so now you've got him there isn't the fun of the chase. But hell you still fancy him – only things are, well, different. Well, the truth is you just aren't doing it as often as you were. Most of us have had this conversation in our heads, or to close friends when you just know you have to tell someone – or explode!

I went weight training with my friend Ben recently. Mention Stuart and he usually comes over all love struck. This time, however, he fumbled with the laces on his trainers and mumbled something. “What's wrong, is it rocky,” I said. “No,”said Ben, slumping down on the bench. “Well to be honest, we just don't seem to have sex anymore, we just don't seem to get around to it and the sad thing is neither of us actually seem to care”.

“So, you've both got hectic schedules, something has got to give,” I said cheerily. “You both seem to understand the situation. I bet you you'll be on a 48 hour shagathon soon”.

Ben smiled, but it wasn't a happy smile. More a thanks for caring, mate. “It is all heading in the wrong direction,” he said. “I just don't know if not having sex is because we just don't fancy each other and it is more about friendship, or because we are both just so damned tired”.

Ben admitted his self-esteem is low. He recently got made redundant from an Internet company. Stuart works in the city and is the breadwinner right now and makes that very clear. “He gives me a peck on the cheek in the morning and runs out looking so sexy in his Gucci suit, the only conversation I have is that Waitrose has a brilliant offer on Chablis or how I’m sure I’m developing cellulite. Not exactly get into bed stuff”, he sighs. 

Ben had suddenly hit the nail on the head. He was worrying about why he wasn't having sex. He should be looking at what changes have recently changed his life and why they are affecting him in such a way. Ben had just been laid off and he feels redundant and boring. Not the kind of guy Stuart would want to introduce to his influential friends.

Ben's position had changed dramatically in his relationship with Stuart. He no longer values himself. Until Ben begins to feel sexy in himself and has some self-worth, he will not be attractive to others.

This isn't one sided, however. A relationship takes two and Stuart must make Ben feel valued and desired. They need to talk about their insecurities. Neither should assume what the other is thinking. Ask, don’t presume, or a big case of paranoia will set in.

It is important to remember that relationships have a life of their own that need to be nurtured. They adapt and you need discover new passions within the relationship as time goes by.

Ben and Stuart have weathered the storm. They took time out to understand each other physically and emotionally. “I guess we'd never really talked. But it is amazing what a heart to heart does for your sex life,” he laughs. See, it is good to talk!