31 October 2009

My husband likes my boobs but seems gay

Is my husband gay or bi? My friends have always told me he is gay (including gay friends). When we started dating he never stopped talking about his gay friends. During the relationship he would always tell me how gay men were looking at him at the gym. He flirts with gay men at work and tells me it’s only joking. He can spot a gay man a mile away and always looks at him. He knows all the gay sayings etc. He likes anal touching and anal sex with me. But he loves my body (boobs and all). I am so confused, please help. Once he told me he had been gay before we met and then said he was only joking. Do you think he is gay or bi. He said other gay men said he is attractive because he dresses well and looks after his appearance.

Julie Nguyen

Hi Vanessa,

Thank you for writing to Alterheros. I understand that you are confused and that you are getting mixed messages from your husband and your friends.

If you allow me, I would like to suggest that you ask yourself if it is really necessary to categorize your husband's sexual orientation as either 1)gay or 2)bi. Are there really only two options?

An individual's sexual identity is complex and is defined by many elements, one of which is his sexual orientation.

If you feel that you would be more comfortable knowing your husband's sexual orientation, there are two options: 1) you continue trying to decipher those clues and observations or 2)you could talk about it with him.

Do you know the Kinsey scale? Kinsey was a very well known sexologist who believed that all humans fell somewhere in a spectrum between complete and sole attraction to someone of the same sex, and at the opposite end, sole attraction to someone of the opposite sex: his scale was from 0 to 6, 0 being entirely heterosexual and 6, entirely homosexual. Someone who is equally attracted to men and women would be a 3.

Maybe you could try to find a number for yourself; it is not easy. If you think you are mostly attracted to men, but sometimes feel sexually attracted or curious about women, you are not a straight 0, you might be closer to a 1 or a 2. And then you could ask yourself: would you feel more comfortable knowing where your husband stands in the spectrum?

There are multiple ways to interpret the words and actions of your husband, but only he knows what they mean.

And I conclude with one of my personal beliefs: someone's sexuality is so much more than their orientation. What makes someone who they are is the way they communicate verbally and physically, the way they think, the way they interpret life and their environment, their passions and feelings. And all of that, you already know about your husband. His orientation may be important, and you might feel like it is the missing piece to really know him, but do not forget that you already have all the other pieces, and that he chose to give them to you, only you, his wife.

Take care,

Julie, for Alterheros