#sexual things
7 July 2007

My friend asked me to have sex but he said he's not gay. I wonder if my friend and I are gay...

I am a boy and I have a friend who has had girlfriends before but sometimes when he would come over he wanted to do sexual things. Sometimes I would go to sleep and would wake up to find his arm over me and him right up against me. I asked him once before if he was gay and he said no. After that, he hasn’t asked to do anything else. Claims it makes him feel bad or shameful. Is he gay? And if I liked some of the stuff he did, does it makes me gay?

JP Duc

Hi Billy,

Thanks for sending in your question, a lot of youth are experiencing the same thing during their adolescence. A lot of teens think about, fantasize or even act out sexual behaviour, this is perfectly normal and part of a person’s innate sexual development. Sexual behaviour or actions or even thoughts are simply part of an individual’s sexual development.

The word “gay” has a lot of historic, negative stereotypes and anti-religious banter attached to it, so it’s normal that if a person is confronted with the word he may feel like he is being categorized. Sexuality is a lot more complex than that. Your friend and you may just be in a phase of sexual development and experimentation, your friend and you could be more or less heterosexual (“straight”) or more or less homosexual (“gay”).

Your friend hugging you, or being physically close to you, may just have been a gesture of affection. This type of physical affection is much more accepted in women. You will notice younger men have more tendency to be close to each other when under the age of about 25. As men go into adulthood, these signs of physical affection almost disappear; this is due in large part to societal norms.

If you or your friend were sexually aroused by this affection, or that you fantasize or become sexually aroused thinking about your friend, you may be defining your sexual orientation as being closer to bisexual or homosexual. That being said, defining one’s sexual preference and one’s sexual orientation is something that can take some time. Remember, only you can define your sexual orientation, no one can define it for you. Unfortunately, teens living with their parents/family will often hide their homosexuality until they are away at college or living on their own and some people depending on where they live, the religious or moral beliefs around them, may actually reveal their sexuality much later in life.

In any case, give yourself time, give your friend some space, if you are attracted sexually to men, you will find other friends who feel the same way as you do.

Good luck,

JP, for the AlterHeros team