I’ve never had a crush… am I a lesbian?


I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush. When I look at guys I really don’t feel anything and when I look at girls I do notice if they’re attractive or whatever. I mean I can tell when boys are attractive and stuff but I’ve never been attracted to one. With my friend we do nose kisses and then I can’t stop thinking about kissing or how we could kiss right then. Does that mean I’m lesbian. My stomach fluttered a little when she held my hand. My mom was talking about being lesbian but the way she was saying stuff made me feel like she thought I was lesbian. Am I just thinking I’m lesbian because my mom thinks I am? I just really need some help figuring out all of my confusing feelings.
Jen
 
Hi Jen,
Thank you for confiding in AlterHeros, we’ll do our very best to answer you. Before moving forward, let me make sure that I understand your situation. You’ve never had a crush on someone but when you and your friend do nose kisses you can’t stop thinking of going further. You’re confused about all of this even more by your mother. I understand how all of this can be confusing. Let’s see together if we can sort things out.
First off, you tell me you’ve never had a crush on someone. I’d like to know what you define as a crush. What does it mean to you? What do you think you’ll feel? For some, a crush means that you can’t stop thinking of someone even if you don’t know the reason for that. For others, it means that you find them very attractive, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t stop thinking about them. Find out what it means to you and you’ll be better able to understand if you happen to have a crush.
You then say more about your friend and wonder if the thoughts you have make you a lesbian. I’d like to reassure you that this doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian. Depending on who you talk with, what research you’ve done, you’ll see that lesbian has multiple definitions. At AlterHeros, we find that it’s what you make of it. For example, a lesbian can be someone who has an emotional relationship with another woman. For others, it’ll be more about the physical relationship. And even for some it’ll be both, so you can’t be a lesbian unless you have both an emotional and physical relationship with another woman. These are all categories. If you feel more comfortable within them, then I encourage you to make yourself comfortable. If you find that it’s just not you, then I encourage you to explore what it would mean. In either case, you neither have to use these terms or define yourself by them. Its also more common for a woman to have a varying sexual orientation. Meaning that at one point in your life, you may be interested in woman and at another point in your life, you may be interested in men. What do you think about that? How does that make you feel?
As for your mother, I know it can be confusing when parents say certain things. So I’ll ask you a few questions. Would you be comfortable talking about your current experiences and confusion with your mother? Do you think she could be someone who would listen to you and not make judgments? Do you think she would understand you’re uncertain of what you’re going through? I understand right now you might feel uneasy with her from the comments she’s made, comments you’ve interpreted in your own manner. But maybe she’s trying to get you to talk to her, confide in her. It’s not easy, I know, but she could be a very strong support for you throughout these confusing times. And to have someone who loves you be your confident can make it that much easier to deal with the emotions you’re discovering, the experiences you’ll have in love and life. And other then you’re mother, is there someone else you can talk to, to try and figure out what you’re feeling, what you’re thinking? Such as your friend perhaps? If you two are close, you might be more comfortable talking with her then with your mother? Otherwise, in your area, is there an organization for people who are questioning themselves with whom you could speak directly? Whether it be a student organization in school, an LGBT organization in town, a counselor that specializes in these questions. It may be scary going to someone in person, I know, I understand, but it would also give you the opportunity to work things out more clearly then via message.
If you’d like to read more, you can always consult our section dedicated to people who are questioning themselves. If you happen to read French, our French section also has a lot of answers as well.
I hope I’ve been able to help you through some of your thoughts. Please don’t hesitate to write again.
Sincerely,
Tamara

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