It sure looks like you’re having a hard time right now trying to figure out what are all these emotions your feeling inside. I have to tell you right now, and I’m sure you’ll understand, that there is no way that I can tell whether you are a lesbian or not. You will have to figure it out for yourself. The best I can do is to try and give you some tracks to follow on this journey.
In your question, you first state that you like guys a lot, but in what way? Do you fancy them or just like their company? About girls, you say that they are affectionate and gentle but guys can be that way as well, don’t you think. Don’t be biased against boys only because you’ve perhaps run into some mean ones. Being a lesbian is strictly based on inner emotions, not on bad experiences.
You said: “every time a girl kisses me.” Did that happen a lot? Were you the one who put the move on her or was it the other way around? Why is it that those kisses didn’t lead to anything else? About that feeling that you get, try to deepen on what is it that you really feel and go with it, you have to go with the flow girl and don’t repress it if it is who you are!
On that thought, ask yourself why is it that you so much don’t want to be a lesbian? Is it that you fear people’s reaction? Or maybe you’re frightened of the life that may be ahead of you as a different person from your entourage?
Finally, you seem to be living with that desire within yourself but don’t know what to do about it. How do you think it’ll end? Will you spend all your life wondering what it would be like to actually make love to a woman? Would it be so terrible to just do it (since you seem to have some girls around you who try to get closer to you) and then the light will dawn on you as to whether you’ve liked it or not.
Coming to terms with one’s homosexuality is a process that might take some time. Don’t rush things and don’t close any doors as well: you don’t know what might be hiding behind them. Your future happiness relies on that principle.
Wishing you a whole lot of it…
Daniel Gariépy, nurse