4 April 2003

Story - I'm a Girl in Love With a Gay Guy

I would never have thought that my views could have changed the way they did. Everything that I believed was right or trusted slowly crumbled under the weight of thought. No changes would have occured this year if it wouldn’t have been for him.


He has introduced me to many things that proved everything I believed wrong. When I met him, he identified as bisexual. I wasn’t aware of his sexuality but when I got to know him everything changed. I noticed him and his amazing smile but never thought that we would communicate. I was wrong.

This amazing him went to the church that I was begining to attend. He was involved in the same hobbies as me, and I kept seeing more of him, and becoming more and more attracted to his physical looks. Christianity was becoming my life style and I was becoming judgemental and more fearful than I ever thought possible. Everything around me scared me to death. The “gay” crowd was a slowly growing minority that I was uncomfortable with. One day after a long day of school (they WERE getting longer) I decided to get online to be shocked to see a mysterious addy on my messenger. I knew in my heart who it was but couldn’t believe that he would add me. I talked to him and discoverd his views on religion. The opressed life he lived awakened me to my stupidity. Many nights were spent in my room crying away my thoughts and not sleeping. I still to this day do not understand how we met or why but I know that there WAS a reason. The more I communicated with him the more I felt my beliefs slipping away and my “morals” diminishing. My thought was what became stronger.The most depressing time of my life was near the begining of this relationship when I realized something I never thought possible. I was in love with a bisexual guy. My entire life I have feared the word love, and never wanted to say it afraid that I didn’t mean it. Now I have said it.

I didn’t really truely understand how I felt about “his” sexuality and didn’t know if was really ready to let go of what I’ve lived with my whole life. There was a certain transition point for me where I could stand up for what I thought was true emotion.

I’m very involved with theatre and during a show that I was in I discussed my feelings for him with the girl who had always seemed to be a  sweetheart and would be there for me if I needed to talk to her. She was disgusted with me. At first she has this solomn look in her eye and said she had to tell me something. She told me what I already knew. The guy that I’m head over heels in love with is bisexual. She asked me how I could have feelings for someone that had that orientation. I realized that day that I wasn’t talking to her, I was talking to a walking Bible who told me everything I felt was a sin. I could never look in her eyes the same way.

People still judge me and assume that I can’t be in love because I’m in highschool and that it’s not possible to love him if he doesn’t love me. They try and define the way I feel and tell me that I’m lusting when I know damned well that I don’t LUST for him. I love everything about him. There’s nothing that I would rather hear than the sound of his voice. There isn’t anything that I cherish more than his opinions or his trust in me. He feels trapped by his parents and our community that refuses to start a gay/straight alliance because it’s “unacceptable”. I sit and think sometimes how much life would be without him. As I said, I love everything about him. There is nothing that I would change about him. Even though just 4 days ago he told me that he is gay, not BISEXUAL, and I know there is no hope for us to ever have a relationship, I would change nothing about him. I’m tired of people in my community judging me for my “sinful, lustful” feelings.

My mom is very accepting of the gay scene and she understands my feelings. She attends a pentecostal church and is begining to capitulate to the thoughts of the pastor there. It is a small church (UNFORTUNATELY) and he is very close to my family.  His parents have been contacting the sam pastor that my family talks to about me. This is not even the church that his family attends. My dad calls his wife “mom” and his ruling is taking over my household and overwhelming me beyond belief. He creates more hate than any bisexual or gay person I have ever known.  If a gay person hates I think it’s probably because of society’s ignorance that opresses them from being treated civil.

Now there is nothing for me in life but to love him and forget what he looks like and look to his soul which I do every day. I’ve never felt emotion like this and I don’t expect I will again. The hardest 6 months of my life have been the most prosporus that I’ve ever had. I’m still trying to find the balance between my thoughts on creation and homosexuality I feel better about myself for being accepting of other people’s differences.