19 April 2005

I find girls attractive yet I'm turned on by guys.

Hi! I am a young male confused about my sexuality. My perfect world and dream is to get married and have kids, yet for some reason that’s not that easy for me. First of all, I find girls attractive yet when i take the next step i get really nervous and turned off by everything. On the other hand, I see guys and don’t think of them in a sexual way but there is a feeling inside that makes me feel turned on in a way. I don’t find males more physically attractive than females. Can you help me in any way? – Jonathan


Hi Jonathan,

First of all, let me reassure you that you are perfectly normal with your questioning. Many of us have dreams of having a family, though sometimes our sexuality confused matters. Whether you are attracted to males or females (or both), you can still have a family, regardless of the gender of your future spouse.

If you are attracted to females, but “get really nervous and turned off by everything” when you try to date them, is it possible you are putting too much pressure on yourself?

Perhaps because your attraction to males is different than your attraction to females, you’re not recognizing the feelings of attraction to them. (But if you are getting turned on, your body has clued in to the attraction, even if your mind hasn’t.)

Continue exploring your attractions with an open-mind. I’m sure you will come to figure it out. But as we often tell questioning youth: there isn’t a timeline or a deadline for figuring out our sexual identities. Some people know at age 16 that they are gay or bisexual, others don’t figure it out until they are in their 40s. Take your time ! There’s no rush about it.

Good luck!