7 December 2008

I am interested in a woman who is already involved in a long-distance relationship

I am a 50 yr old lesbian. I am a Christian church leader. I met a young woman at church who is also a lesbian. She is 26 years old. She is in a long-distance relationship with her partner of several years. She lives here and intends to stay here. Her partner keeps promising to move here too but is running a business in another country and makes excuses about coming here. Although I know she is in an long-distance relationship, we spend a lot of time together recently.
She is beautiful, brilliant, funny, everything I would want in a partner but she is taken. She knows I really like her and initially she said that the Bible says we should not take our friendship any further (and I agreed) but she is always texting me, calls me, came to my home to watch movies with me, went on a “date” with me to see a movie, runs errands for me, always blushes when I tease her, has agreed to go away with me to the mountains for a weekend as “friends”. I know I should stop, I know better but I love being with her and she obviously likes me.

annabelle dupras

Hi! Thanks for your question Cameron.

From what I understand, you have strong feelings for this woman, and obviously she corresponds in many ways to the ideal partner for you. But, as you’ve said, she’s already with someone, which makes it somewhat impossible for the two of you to engage in a love relationship right now. Ironically, you feel that she is responding quite positively to your invitations… and is sending you mixed messages, possibly implying that she’s also interested in you on a level different from simple friendship. It must be quite confusing to figure out what’s the right thing to do.

Basically, I think it comes down to evaluating how far both of you are willing to actually get involved together. From what I read, I could tell that you both have solid spiritual values, and respecting those values may be just as important to you than the idea of taking your friendship further. These values are not to be overlooked since they are an important part of who you are…and will probably help you figure out what is the « right » thing to do. That being said, you must also make sure to listen carefully to what your inner voice is saying, in other words, to your deepest feelings, just as much as you would refer to your set of values in making this decision. Deep down, do you feel you should see where this relationship can take you or just leave it at that? You could try to address this situation by asking you these questions: Is it worth it? How will I feel if I decide to keep on pursuing this woman’s love? What will happen if I do? How will I feel if I don’t? Take as much time as needed to meditate on these feelings and analyze them carefully afterwards.

You and your friend are in two different situations: you are probably feeling a bit more free to engage in a loving relationship, whereas she has some serious issues to address before she takes this thing further. There are consequences to the fact that she would partake in a relationship with you since she already has a partner. Thus it must also be quite confusing for her.

But now, since the two of you seem already somewhat close and open to each other, I would definitely suggest you express your feelings and your point of view to this person, and ask for her to do the same just as openly. As I’ve said she may also be going through a tough dilemma and asking herself questions of her own about love, faithfulness and other moral issues. Nothing else but sharing an honest conversation after a thorough reflection will help sort out a difficult situation like this one in my opinion. After you’ve done that, there’s a good possibility that both of you will know more clearly what you are comfortable with and will be able to define together what kind of relationship you want to take part in.

Hoping this has helped you to figure things out a bit more, I wish you the best and a most positive outcome, whichever it may turn out to be.

Anna, for Alterheros