28 June 2002

How to Net Yourself a Lesbian

Équipe -Pose ta question!-

If there's one thing all lesbians can agree on without having a debate is that gay men have it good when it comes to picking up potential partners, boyfriends, and more often than not, fuck buddies. My gay male friends who are not at all familiar with lesbian culture never fail to gasp in disbelief (with a limp hand over their mouths, no less) when told that we do not have specific hunting grounds, both in cyberspace and in the real world.

In fact, my (in no way scientific) study on the sexual practices of lesbian women revealed that the percentage of women who pick up women they don't know is about 10 percent of the number of men who don't masturbate. According to the same study, I've found that few women have public sex with their partners, fewer women cruise other women, and even fewer women have anonymous sex with each other.

Perhaps, women's bodies are simply not built for quick anonymous sex in public. For women, it's not particularly comfortable to get into position in toilet cubicles or in the bushes. No offence to my gay brothers, but men in general are also far more indiscriminate about their partners than women. Women tend to prefer to know some details of the person who risks developing repetitive stress disorder to jill you off. Besides, it would take a fair bit of time to find out her name, pets' names, number of long-term relationships and flings, star sign, eating habits (whether she's organic, vegetarian or vegan), etc.

Half an hour later, you probably realise that the both of you dated someone in common two years ago and decide to have coffee (or tea) upon realizing that the toilet is not the best place to discuss your life stories. It's been hours since you first met and the only thing coming in – I mean – from your mouth are just words!

Ya right! If only it is so easy meeting and chatting a stranger up. Women, gay or otherwise, find it difficult to make the first move. Of course there are exceptions but by and large, someone would have to make the first move of approaching and speaking to the party whom they're interested in and not come across as a pervert or loser.

In case you are thinking about learning some corny pick-up lines found on the net, don't even bother.

Fortunately, there are some tricks that you can employ to improve your chances. I've approached my gay friend, Ray, who made himself a VIP at his favourite gay clubs and can draw you the floor plan of his favourite saunas; and Jac who well, does not have any “qualifications” to speak of but is the undisputed lesbian matchmaker should one need a blind date.

And since it's extremely unlikely that lesbians would have anonymous sex without knowing the other party's name, here are some of the suggested dos and don'ts when hooking up with someone for a sexual encounter or a date:

1. Dress for success.
If you are having dinner at a swanky downtime restaurant, save your well worn pride festival t-shirt and/or mud caked Timberlands for a picnic in the park. And even if you don't get out much, avoid using half a bottle of perfume at once. You want to her to come
closer to get a whiff of you and not be repelled.

2. Be friendly all the time, whether you are interested in her or not.
Being friendly is not the same as being pushy, patronising or having the loudest laugh. Be nice but don't act like you're too eager to please either. Also, don't forget to be friendly with people you not interested in, they might have friends they want to introduce to you.

3. Be confident and make eye contact with the people you are interested in.
Display the right signals – flash a nice smile and hold a glaze for a second longer than usual. Pay attention to people and be generous but sincere in giving compliments. It's telling when you are being patronising, and that's a major turn off.

4. Listen up!
Women value oral (read: communication) skills. If you have to pretend to be interested, take notes so that you can contribute to the conversation. Even better, take initiative and ask her questions about herself and make sure you are not bringing home a psycho bitch who may skin your beloved cats when you are sleeping. Whatever the case, respect her answers although you do not have to agree with everything she says.

5. Don't ask for her number, give yours.
Take the initiative to give your number and then let her offer hers. Or better yet, make a “fuckcard” just for flirting. It's a personal card with your name (perhaps a just your first name or a nick), telephone, email and/or ICQ numbers. Say something like, you'd like to keep in contact or take her out to a quaint coffee and cake place or something like that.

6. Making the kill.
At this stage, she should be able to tell if she's remotely interested and proceed accordingly. If you are unsure, ask. Should she decline any of your propositions, be gracious; accept her decision and exit with dignity. She might change her mind or introduce her friends if she has a good impression of you.

Other important pointers:
Do not assume that everyone you meet is a lesbian or bisexual even if you are at a women's event or bar. If you are at Borders, a shopping mall or someplace non-telling, you may want to say something like: “Hi, I could be mistaken, but are you 's friend? We met last week at . Remember me?”

Also, keep your eye out for hints such as pride buttons, t-shirts, keyrings and/or other accesories with interlocking women's symbols.

Good luck!

Disclaimer: The writer does not guarantee a 100% success rate and is not responsible for any heartbreak and/or bruised ego should you decide to follow any of the well-intentioned suggestions. 

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