25 January 2003

Testimony - Be Frank and Trust Yourself

I still have difficulty believing that I’m lesbian, that it is in me and that it will never change.


During my adolescence, it was my goal that this anomaly would pass, but with time, I began to understand that it wasn’t anything as serious as I had thought it to be.  I spent 15 years of my life trying to distinguish myself from others in various ways, either through my acamedic results or my friends.  I was always a very strong person with regards to human relations.  Cheerful and funny in appearance, always.

But something inside was tempting to take its place, screaming even louder to spill my guts and come out.   It was one particular summer in 1996 that I discovered it.   I was with my best friend, in the basement of my house, and after having drunk A LOT, we were tempted to have the ultimate kiss, a kiss between two girls, just as I had kissed another girl when I was younger. But this kiss could not compare, I wanted more. I discovered within myself a real passion for my best friend, not wanting anything but an ordinary sexual relationship with her.   The world had turned for me! I continued the relationship with her for 8 long months during which time she told me that she loved me… later, she left me for a guy.  It was then that I experienced not only the pain of our separation, which haunted me, but also the need to have another woman in my life, even though it wouldn’t be her.  From then on I knew 2 or 3 women, I deeply wanted to be in their presence, but never dared to ask them the fateful question: would you like me?

I had boyfriends after that because I had to convince myself that I could be on the “right path” or remain on the path that I was meant to follow.  However, after I turned 20, I understood that I would be never happy without a woman sharing my life.  I accepted this feeling, stronger than the foolishness of those who refuse to accept the difference.  I didn’t want to be a coward that passed over life, like an old frustrated lady.  Today, all my friends know but not my family. Why? Simply because, unlike other families, mine wasn’t important enough for me to deny who I was and pretend that I was heterosexual. I have a very macho father, one that will surely enjoy calling me a “dyke” but I will never confess that to him. If they discover it or if one day I have the desire to bring home a woman, I will no longer hide it from them.  Life is too short and difficult for so many other reasons than for me to let my emotional life be led by what others think.  I affirm my homosexuality a little every day while talking to a very close friend of mine, to whom I’d give the land and the sea.

If young people are reading this, I’m 26 years old, tell yourselves this… if you don’t do everything to make yourself happy then other people’s opinions will lead your life.  They will be unhappy and you will be one of them.  Be frank and trust yourself!  You may get smacked but all heals with time.  So love and love well.

Translated from the orginal French article ‘S’affirmer pour enfin être heureuse’