11 August 2008

Testimony - Always Proud!

I think everyone truly knows how they feel deep down inside even before they know what it means. For a lot of years I struggled with those thoughts, tried ignoring them and told myself I was wrong and everyone gets an odd sexuality/gender thought every now and then. But the only problem was it wasn’t just now and then, it was constantly burning in the back of my brain.


I thought I was crazy for even thinking I could be a lesbian or thinking I wanted to be a boy. My family was religious and stood behind the belief that being gay was wrong. They seemed to take comfort being on the opposite side of the word “fag” and “freak” while secretly I was not on the same side as them.

It took a lot of time to finally understand who I was. It took to be exact 17 and half years just to figure out something that shouldn’t have to be this hard. I am an androgynous pansexual. The moment I heard those two words a smile appeared on my face. A grin from ear to ear! I turned up my stereo and began jumping on my bed and singing along to the music. I couldn’t believe how happy I was. I had finally after all this time figured out who I am.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the moment. I was just so relieved that my questioning had come to an end, no more “what if” and “I wonder”. Some would think discovering this may be scary but I didn’t know how else to feel.

If these terms had been known and talked about as much as being gay, I would have been this happy five years ago when the questions started. I had acceptance for gays since I was 15 and transsexuals 16. I guess it all just slowly became understandable as I questioned myself and understood the feelings. I just know I am proud to be me and wouldn’t change this part of me for the world. I am who I am and I love it.

I try and get the word out about my newly found sexuality for all those others who are still confused and scared. I understand how it’s still so frightening to tell parents and friends. I can remember sitting there for ten minutes just trying to answer my friend’s question. I wanted the perfect words so she would understand but it’s still so hard especially for those who can’t put themselves in others shoes.

I have told my best friend about this and honestly I will never let her go because I never found someone who accepted me like she does. She’s a true friend and I guess its time like these when you figure that stuff out. No real friend would leave you because of your sexuality.

There will be a time to tell my parents. I’m hoping it will be soon but it’s hard to tell them so much. There’s still so much to be said and I hope, though homophobic, they will still accept me for who I am. Real parents who love you won’t care either because without acceptance there cannot be love.

Just never give up on yourself and don’t pretend for anyone. I will not lie to my parents if they ask and I will not side with their beliefs to make them feel more comfortable. I am this way and if they believe a “god” cannot make mistakes then I was meant to be this way. But I am not religious. Not for the fact I am an androgynous pansexual but for the fact that I have the right to my own beliefs like them but my beliefs don’t involve hurting others for something they cannot change.

I am Different and PROUD!