Hi Ash,

I was 18 when I came out (I’m now 26), so I think I can relate to your question. There are no clear-cut approaches to figuring out if someone’s a lesbian or bi, no universal qualities or characteristics—unfortunately! I think what’s more important than trying to figure out what she is is that you should focus on the feelings between the two of you. It’s sometimes more difficult to come straight out and say I’m “a lesbian” or “bi” than to admit to feelings of attraction for someone of the same gender.

One way to test the waters is to bring up the subject in a more general way—talk about films with gay content, or the politics of gay marriage—anything to spark up a conversation about sexual orientation. Keep in mind, however, that some people will react defensively, especially when they’re confused about they’re own orientation, but that by saying you’re open minded, you can create an opening for being honest about it all.

If you are just beginning to put together the signs that you are a lesbian, or bi, than keep in mind that she may be going through the same thing. On the other hand, trust your instinct, and approach the situation as anyone should, with respect and a lot of communication.

Team AlterHeros