(English) Was it true love?

I fell for a woman, not just her looks but personality. It was only seven weeks before I stated I love you to her and she said it back at first unsure, then later she would tell me on her own and clinging onto me, now she says she never did love me. And worst of all she doesn’t see me as a girl friend anymore. Where did it all go wrong?
It could be from when her mother found out, she took all contact away from her that she could have with me.  She ran away later, stayed at a friend’s house, and then found me the very next day. Though it didn’t last long. Her father found us and she was taken away to Mexico where she lives. She got on the computer and pleaded me to stay with her and told me she loved me and how much she missed me. At first the idea shook me because I would have been okay if things ended like that, and I didn’t like to get attached so I stated I wasn’t sure and I was afraid…but she ended up convincing me especially when she stated she was going to cry or that she was. You see she only cried once in front of me before and I didn’t like it, because I cared for her too much…so again I cave into her, and slowly, I noticed more and more how much I loved her. She stayed on the cpu with me all day and night until she had to see a psychiatrist. Next thing you know she’s telling her best friend that the “sparks” were gone. It hurt, and I felt like now I was losing her and I wasn’t okay with it. I nagged at her a little before that day but not much but right after that, I nagged at her so much! When she later came to get me for school secretly she picked me up and I practically was cold to her.
Though when she made out with me it was great, but when it came to conversations I would grow silent and also pull my hand away time to time…and I got less and less nice to her. Finally she stopped saying I love you to me randomly, and afterward I sent her angry texts, yelling at her. Telling her bad things. I ran to meet her outside and told her that she didn’t love me. She was so upset looking but she remained calm until I hugged her and told her sorry because she looked like she was broken or shocked. But right when I hugged her she started to push away and say “No I don’t love you!” And harsh things she dropped me off at home and I tried to kiss her, she wouldn’t look at me, and when I told her I was sorry she wouldn’t say a word. I think she even cried a little. And she avoided kissing me because my breath was bad from crying (it’s something I get lately from depression).
The next day we talked and a few more days we opened back up to each other with open arms. Didn’t say I love you but later when she left to visit her day on the cpu she told me. But when I replied I didn’t say it back and when she saw me with so much excitement the time she got back, I was the same as I was before. Cold. I tried to smile time to time, but it didn’t work out. I was too worried because I wanted to say I love you to her. And after a week or so I finally stated it, and she told me that she couldn’t say it back to me. It broke my heart.
Yet it doesn’t end there…
Her mother was keeping a close eye on her, making sure she had only one day to go out on. So Saturdays I would hang out with her and her friends. Randomly she’d pull me away to kiss me, or grabbed my hand. I never did it because I was too embarrassed…after a month of hurting each other I started to do the opposite and I even broke up with her after fighting through texts what love was. We got back together not too later on, and right when we did, I clinged so much, and I pleaded for rides and yelled at her when I didn’t get a ride. I became someone I NEVER wanted to be.
I hanged out once at her friends and later when she pulled me away to kiss me I didn’t make it nearly as romantic as it use to be. We kinda fought then kissed once and then I asked her if we could just have a day to talk out our problems she said yes. I was so happy. I knew exactly what I wanted to tell her. That I became someone I never wanted to be and that I was treating her not like a gf and that I wanted to not maybe get rides and maybe that way I can pull more away and become less of a burden to her. It was bad enough her parents tried to break down her back, she didn’t need me to do it to her too. Plus whenever she looked at me or anything I would get so upset from her trying to be sweet to me that I would push her face away or anything that was similar to that I would not want then right after want because I missed it…it was cruel to do that to her and I didn’t want to do it any longer.
Yet I never got to tell her that…five weeks or so passed and I never got to. One week we didn’t get to see each other at all, and when she came back she stated that she missed me, she threw in an I guess. But I knew she meant it. She spent the whole day with me while I kissed her. Even though later when we stopped it wasn’t perfect and she didn’t like my videos I showed her…didn’t matter at all to me. Two weeks passed and now here I am broken and down, she gave me a note. It stated that she never loved me, she couldn’t break it off because she cared for everyone, and that she liked me and being with me but didn’t love me. I can’t stop crying now. And when I see her we act like friends…but two days ago we argued. I told her I wanted to talk to her she let me in my room and I tried to tell her how unfair it was. But she made a promise to herself, and I got upset saying what about my promise. She didn’t even remember that she promised that she’ll love me no matter what. She tried to say that she said it to comfort me…I remember that she said it because I think she meant it, because when I told her I feared that my paranoia would push her away she smiled and said that she loved me and that she promised that she never could stop. I didn’t remind her all of that because she bursted out that a promise to herself was more important but I got upset and said why didn’t I matter?! I tried to tell her how she used to love me and she started to pace around my room and she stated that she hesitated the first time, and if I remembered that. I said yes and she said it was because she thought that I love you would be better than saying I like you. I said what about when she stated after leaving or anything on her own she would state I love you and she said practically the same thing! I wanted to cry so much, she was taking all my great memories away.
Finally after a while she stated that she “use” to love me, but right after a little bit I think she got another idea and threw out that there was something between like and love and that she couldn’t remember it in spanish nor thought it was able to be said in English. I don’t think there is. and she was trying to make it up. But then she stated how she was unsure of things before when she came back and all this crap. I feel like she’s over-thinking things! I love her so much…and I’m wondering even though she is thinking badly…did I cause it?! I think I did…but how can I fix it! How can I show her that I don’t want to go through this with her?  I need her to stick with me to show her how I really want to treat her. I told her I wanted to be who we used to be and she said those were good memories but that’s all. Maybe so right? But we can make better and new ones! I want that most of all!!! And I won’t disappoint her like I did before when we broke up so many times! Saying things like let’s spend this day doing white day (japanese tradition thing were you make chocolate for a loved one and then I was going to cook her breakfast) but I didn’t because we broke up and at the time she was happy with me.
I think I wore her out.
Now she doesn’t cling onto me either…
She treats me like a friend…
And she’s moving to San Diego in July, and in two weeks I won’t see her because school ends and she lives in Mexico.
I’m scared…and now I feel like my life is at a breaking point.

About AlterHéros

Depuis 2002, AlterHéros répond à vos questions en ligne au sujet de la diversité sexuelle, de la pluralité des genres et de la santé sexuelle en général. Nous organisons aussi des activités pour les jeunes LGBTQIA2S+ de 14 à 30 ans et leurs allié.e.s.

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